GOP Releases New Year's Wish List For 112th Congress

Funny story written by Goodhue

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

New House Majority Leader Eric Cantor releases Republican's 2011 agenda today, sharing with the nation their priorities and focus for the New Year.

Washington D.C., January 5, 2011 - As the GOP formally took control of the House today, new Majority Leader Eric Cantor, R-Va., laid out their "battlefield strategy" for the 112th Congress. Topping the list of their "10 Most Wanted" is the repeal of the Affordable Care Act enacted last year, commonly referred to as the health care law.

"We just need to repeal it, as the American people have spoken out and said," Cantor said. "The last thing they want is the government making health care available and affordable to them. These new rights and benefits they have, including helping more children get health coverage, are clearly not wanted and they will end under our watch."

Next on the list will be to make the Bush-era tax cuts for the wealthy permanent, Cantor stated. "It's high time we permanently move financial resources from the poor and middle class up to the wealthy who know what to do with it." When questioned by reporters how the proposed cuts might affect the disadvantaged Cantor replied, "to hell with the poor, blind, and disabled, they never vote for us anyway."

Following that is a 4-in-1 package: abolishing the National Endowment for the Arts, the Food and Drug Administration and the Environmental Protection Agency, and a rewriting of the Endangered Species Act. "We're all about taking the handcuffs off corporate America and letting them run free," Boehner explained. "Taxpayer money shouldn't ever be spent on art or food safety or the environment when big corportations are struggling to pay their bills."

Also coming will be an investigation into the legitimacy of President Obama's birth certificate and a re-examination of whether Hawaii technically qualifies as a state, Cantor said. "Listen, it's totally surrounded by water, and we really need to look at what the priorities of the founders were regarding islands and then see if that qualifies for statehood. I mean look at Puerto Rico, OK?"

Getting tough on crime will also be a priority, "we're going to reign in entitlement spending and do what's right for America and build as many prisons as the system can bear." Changing the likeness on the dime from Franklin D. Roosevelt to Ronald Reagan will also be a priority of the 112th Congress he said, "this one's a real no-brainer."

Other targets of their legislative wrath were decidedly food related: eliminating the funding of hot lunches in public schools, "the Founding Fathers never intended our government to be in the business of feeding hungry kids;" bringing back so-called "Freedom Toast" to the congressional cafeteria, "I can't wait to sink my teeth into some syrupy Freedom Toast again, it's been a long time coming;" and to make vanilla the National Ice Cream Flavor, "the voters were loud and clear on this, and we're listening."

Last on the list is a long-standing bugbear of the Republican Party, "it's past time for Sesame Street to go," Cantor explained, "it's a socialist show that promotes socialist values through cuddly puppet wizardry, and it ultimately weakens our nation and we will do everything in our power to get rid of it once and for all."

"With this wish-list," Cantor concluded, "we pledge to dedicate ourselves to the task of reconnecting our highest aspirations to the permanent truths of our founding by keeping faith with the values our nation was founded on, the principles we stand for, and the priorities of our people. This is our wish-list for America."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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