Back during the last years of glorious Wwii, the Department of War filmed a series of movies entitled "Why We Fight." They showed the Germans rounding up millions of Jews and killing them. The purpose of the movies was to enrage the American GI's and keep their fighting spirit at the highest levels.
This was necessary because the military put salt peter in the GI's food so they'd stop fucking each other in their foxholes. Nothing can get a GI killed faster than a blowjob in a foxhole.
Well, now that we've killed off close to 4500 of America's best and brightest warriors in Iraq and Afghanistan during some ten years of fighting for, ah, to protect America's freedom to, ah, kill other people--no, we are fighting Moslems to keep them from ravishing virgins in Paradise-- well, no one seems to understand why we're still fighting in the Gulf or Afghanistan, and some Americans are just getting fed up with the whole thing.
So, the senior general staffs of the various armed forces have gotten together and decided to do another "Why We Fight" series of movies. Our reporter was able to steal a copy of the final screenplay, and released the pages to a sister network, ABSNN, who sold them to CBNBASBCSMSFOX, who in turn sold them to a kid who hacks bank computers, who sold them to me, and because I've been declared incompetent in all 50 US states and territories, not to mention no one has ever heard of me before, I'm releasing some of the scenarios from the scripts to you people.
General Stan Tall: I want to thank you people for your sacrifices these past ten years. Unlike your enemies, the US cannot promise you a baker's dozen of virgins to fuck in Heaven. So, why are you fighting A-rabs?
Reason One: George W. Bush's daddy, GHW Bush, had a contract put out on him by Saddam Hussein and made up the whole fucking WMD bullshit so we could kick Saddam's ass. See, "W" don't have much of a dick, and, actually he had one of the biggest Dicks in the world, a guy by the name of Cheney, but I digress.
So, we sent 5,000,000,000 gazillion troops to Iraq to keep the Iraqis from blowing up the World's Largest Ball of Twine in Bumfuck, Iowa. That didn't take long, but "W" realized he had a shitload of pissed off GI's with weapons and extra ammo and shit and really didn't want to bring them back home till they were a lot more worn out, or dead, didn't matter to him.
Admiral "Fug" Emup: That's so true, general. For the Navy's part, we like shooting gomers whenever we can, and we have a lot of older war planes and shit to get off our inventory, so we just…
Major General Minor: Yes, well, Admiral, I think it is more important to our warriors to understand that they are fighting because we just don't have any way to honorably end this clusterfuck. We have several soldiers, marines, sailors and airmen, plus a woman or two, here with us who wish to ask a question or two. Who wants to go first?
LCPL Jack Meoff: Sir, will we be home for Christmas?
Major General Minor: Son, I wish I could say you would be, but you're in Afghanistan and they don't celebrate Christmas because they're Godless Moslems. The answer to your question is, no, you won't be coming home for Christmas because you'll be dead before Thanksgiving.
SSGT Margaret Truman: Is it true that the President of Afghanistan is making deals with the Taliban to end the war there? What will that mean to us in the field?
Major General Minor: I'm glad you brought that up, and may I add the fact that your aluminum leg looks fetching in your dress whites… Yes, Crarazy is holding talks with the Taliban, but don't worry, we don't give a fuck what the Afghans want anyway. We'll do what's best for America's security.
General Stan Tall: That's why we've prepared this training film about sexually transmitted diseases. George, the film please...
