The Department of Commerce and Department of Labor jointly reported today that while the U.S. may no longer be the world's preeminent industrial superpower it still continues to outpace the world in its number of gay-ass bakeries. The number of gay-ass bakeries, often run by successful former business people who opted out of the corporate rat race to devote their lives to baking and selling expensive and unusual gay-ass confections, continues to grow despite high unemployment and economic distress in America.
Edith Hamilton, Secretary of Commerce, said, "Until just this decade America was the world's unchallenged economic superpower. This nation was built on industry: textiles, steel, munitions, automobiles, you name it, America built it. But now all of America's industries have moved overseas and all we have left are financial jobs that pay ridiculously bloated salaries and gay-ass bakeries where finance guys' wives go to eat overpriced, queer-as-shit baked goods made that are made from 14th century French recipes using only heirloom gluten-free wheat and currants and other gay-o ingredients. A sub-industry employs reporters from large metropolitan newspapers to report on the goings on in the Gay-ass baked good sector as though it's something manly and significant, like steel making."
New York Times reporter Andrew Card said that gay-ass bakeries were a necessary and important part of the American economic scene. "Where are all the hipsters going to loll about and spend their parents money during the day when the clubs aren't open? Where are upper middle class housewives going to congregate when they've safely gotten the child off to the nanny's?," he said before wiping crumbs from his soul patch, "Americans have to get real. In the 21st century it's going to be all about sinfully delicious cinnamon buns and decadent Black Forest cakes. Let the Chinese get their hands dirty building cars if they want to."
The gay-ass baking industry is expected to grow until 2020 when China will stop loaning the US money to waste on useless crap.
