Bush Vows to 'Re-icify' North Pole

Funny story written by Gunter I. Hoffenhaur

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

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Organized Polar Bears: the next big threat to America's security?

Crawford, TX -- The fight for a more eco-friendly society may have just snared an unlikely champion. Former U.S. president, George W. Bush, during a press conference at his ranch yesterday afternoon promised to return the North Pole ice cap to its former glory.

A strong detractor of global warming during his presidency, Bush has seemingly had a change of heart in large part due to confusion over a recent television commercial advertising a fully electric car and featuring a migrating polar bear.

"It saddened me," Bush said in an interview following the press conference. "I had a tear in my eye, I truly did. Of course, at the time I thought I was watching a docufilm on the world heating up."

The 'docufilm' was in fact a commercial depicting a polar bear fleeing from the shrinking polar cap in search of an ecofriendly car owner to thank him with a bear hug.

"It was heartbreaking and frightening at the same time," said Bush. "Here was this big, proud beast floating on what remained of his ice fortress. I felt bad for him but on the other hand, I, in good conscience can't allow bears just to waltz into our cities."

Bush remained adamant at the possible threat migrating bears would pose despite being repeatedly sat down and assured by advisors and even his wife that the commercial was fictitious and a mass polar bear migration was unlikely.

"Sure the bear in the t.v. ad was gentle, even affectionate but with what I know of bears I just don't see how we as citizens of this great country can count on all of them to be as nice," stated Bush.

"What's more, our military is stretched pretty thin with endeavors elsewhere. We don't have the man power or know how to put up a strong defensive against a full-scale polar bear attack."

According to Bush the best defense against an eminent attack would be a good offense - one that would include restoring the bears' natural environment thus giving them no reason to strike.

"What's best for the polar bear is what's best for us and that is the immediate reicification of the North Pole."

Bush's bold plan calls for a trillion tons of ice being delivered to Santa's home via aircraft carrier.

"My friend Rusty of Rusty's Gas n' Grab right here in Crawford sells five-pound bags of ice for a buck a bag. He's already promised to give me a twenty-five cent discount per bag should we go ahead with this course of action."

Bush is also urging Americans to send in their used ice to local collection agencies which will also aid in the massive undertaking.

"Many times I'll fill a glass full of ice for my soda," said Bush. "I'll drink the soda and then have all the ice left over. Usually I just dumped it down the drain but now I realize how wasteful that is."

Though the South Pole was mentioned in the press conference, Bush isn't concerned with a possible attack on two fronts.

"My wife has already assured me that the South Pole only has penguins," Bush said. "I don't think they pose any real threat as they are slow, clumsy and wobbly. I'm sure Americans can be trained just to push them over."

There is currently no concrete time-table for completion of this project. Bush stated that it all depends on how quickly Rusty can come up with that much ice.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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