Female Grads now have Option of Paying Back Student Loans in Sexual Acts

Funny story written by Alibanger Wanger

Sunday, 26 September 2010


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It's something that plagues college graduates for years, even decades after they've tossed their grad caps and nailed their cheaply framed degrees to the walls of their one bedroom apartments. It's the student loan. It doesn't go away, and it doesn't get smaller. With females consistently making less money than males, and with interest rates more astronomical than ever, many female grads declare bankruptcy before they are even able to marry a wealthy man or make one payment on their ever expanding college debt.

This recent epidemic of broke twentysomething girls has lead to a surge in internet based prostitution. Recent statistics show that there is an undeniable correlation between the number of females who now attend college and the number of ads soliciting prostitution on sites like craigslist and kijiji.

Dr. Sandy Sanderson, professor of sociology at the University of Alberta, herself an ex stripper, has been studying ads under the adult section for the past six years. "We've found that 60 percent of the ads put out by females seeking sex for money state that the women are young students unable to pay their rent and bills." And indeed, these ads work. When men were polled, an astounding 80 percent said that if they had to choose between a professional prostitute and an amateur student just looking for financial help, they would choose the student, no matter how unpretty or sexually inept she might be. "I just want somebody young and kind of desperate. That's a turn-on," says David Utah of Frank, Mississippi.

The statistics don't stop there. When female college students were polled on campus, 20 percent said they had accepted money for a sexual act; 80 percent said they had considered taking money for a sexual act; and an overwhelming 100 percent said they were concerned about the debts they had accrued on the road to diploma. With these strong statistics at hand, a prominent debt consolidation agency based out of New York has teamed up with the US government to offer these desolate students a viable solution.

Love 4 Freedom will be introduced in November of 2010, and it works on the premise that recent college graduates should be able to rid themselves of their student debt in one swift sexual act. Brett Davies, the founder of the campaign, states that his program has teamed up with psychotherapists, health practitioners, professors, and even parents to offer a form of relief that does not entail these girls to risk the dangers of the internet.

"In 2008, twenty six women were murdered or went missing while on online prostitution endeavours" states Davies. "It's not safe out there in the cyber world, we do not want these young women risking their lives to pay off their student loans." Conversely, approximately 2000 governors, senators, politicians, and civil servants discreetly hire prostitutes each month, "and that's just an approximation, we suspect the numbers are actually much higher. What this means is that we already have a blazing market for young, amateur girls - we figured why not pair them with powerful chieftains who are seeking harmless sexual satisfaction, and in turn wipe their debts free?"

And that is exactly how the system works. Love 4 Freedom runs like this: a student applies for Love 4 Freedom assistance. Her application is accepted with a clean bill of health. Upon acceptance, the girl is paired up with a government official over the age of 50, and is scheduled for one night with this official in a private, anonymous, and safe hotel or sexual meeting place. Once the night is complete, instead of accepting cash or gifts, the girl's student loan, no matter how large, is dissolved and she no longer owes the government anything.

Since its inception, Love 4 Freedom has proven to be a highly controversial topic of debate, causing outrage amongst most feminist groups in North America. "This is appalling," says Lily Danesworth of Poupschout, MA. "I can't even believe this is considered an acceptable way of helping a woman out, it is an absolute despicable crime against humanity."

"We knew we'd get this response," replies Davies, cool, calm, and collected. "And we see it as the lesser of two evils. Basically, you could screw a bunch of shady men and pay off a portion of your student loan with dirty cash and probably pick up an addiction or STD along the way; or you could spend one night with a prominent, well respected gentleman under highly controlled circumstances and emerge from it completely debt free." He goes on to compare Love 4 Freedom to handing out birth control and condoms at high schools. "You know they're going to do it anyway. So why not be responsible about it?"

Although the fine details of Love 4 Freedom have not yet been tacked on, the agency has hired trained madams as well as a plethora of human resources employees to pair the students with their gentlemen. "It definitely won't be a lottery system," explains Daria Vons of the Love 4 Freedom HR department. "The gentlemen will probably choose who they want to spend the night with, and the student will probably be expected to perform acts based on how large her debt is." So, for example, a woman with a $7,000 debt may only need perform a menial blowjob as compared to a woman $17,000 in debt, whose task list might include checkmarks under columns marked S and M. "We're still debating if grades will play in. If a girl got A's, she may get somewhat of a say, maybe a choice between two gentlemen, or the option of bringing another debt heavy friend along for the freedom."

Love 4 Freedom is extremely optimistic about the new opportunity it provides women, and if the agency is successful, it might broaden its clientele to include those who are paid by the government, like police and firemen, instead of just those representing the government. "We have high hopes for this debt consolidation system, and by 2015 we'd like to be helping 50 percent of college graduates" says Davies. "We'd even at some point like to include male students, for the gays, but we are waiting to see the results of our first run."

Female college students failed to comment their thoughts on Love 4 Freedom because they were too busy handing out burgers and fries in between studying for A's that will someday get them a viagra pumped cock and a rye in a classy hotel room.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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