John Doe Found Not Guilty of Murdering Illegal Immigrant

Funny story written by kslaught

Saturday, 18 September 2010

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In a landmark case, John Wayne Doe was found not guilty of murdering an illegal immigrant.

Mr. Doe and the immigrant were both employees of a convenience store in Arizona. Mr. Doe suspected that the individual was an illegal immigrant, and demanded to see his identification and papers.

When the alleged victim refused to comply, John drew his weapon and repeated the request. A scuffle ensued and the immigrant was shot and killed.

Lawyers for Mr. Doe successfully argued that the shooting was in self-defense. Doe testified eloquently on his own behalf, saying "I was just upholding the law, trying to do my part to protect our country from these people." Many in the courtroom applauded his statement, and Judge Whiteman had to immediately restore order in the court.

The alleged victim was using a false name, and his family, fearing deportation, refused to come forward and identify him. During the trial,he was referred to as Illegal13590.

Several of the jurors were asked to comment on the case. One said, "We first had to determine if Illegal13590 was a 'real person',that is, entitled to the same legal protections you and I have under the law. We decided that he wasn't." Another commented, "This 'person' would never have been killed if he had not been here illegally in the first place. So, in a way, it was really his own fault."

After the trial, the Governor of Arizona praised the verdict and declared Mr. Doe to be an American hero.

She then announced the latest proposal being considered by the legislature. The new law, if adopted, would require all Illegal Immigrants to register at a central location (to be disclosed later) and wear an armband, with the letter 'I' displayed prominently. There would be severe penalties for noncompliance.

She also announced that a celebration is being planned for the coming Fourth of July weekend to honor Mr. Doe. Tea Party members expect a record crowd, with supporters coming in from all over the country. Sarah Palin will be the featured speaker.

Ms Palin had this to say:

"Thank God for those Arizonians down there, who like us Alaskans believe in the principles this country was founded on, and with the Fourth of July coming up, wasn't it great that Mr. Doe had a gun or this guy might never have been exposed for what he was. Am I proud to be an American? You betcha."

A rally was held to protest the verdict in the Doe case. It was discovered that the so-called "protestors" did not even have a legal permit to protest. Police quickly rounded them up and brought them all in for questioning. Police denied reports that protestors had been beaten with clubs, and that some had been killed.

"Those You Tube Videos can be very misleading", one officer was heard to comment.

According to Police Commissioner Bullyer , "You always have a few nut cases there, stirring up trouble. I can assure you that everything was handled in a professional manner."

When asked what will be done with the protestors, he answered, "Obviously most of them are illegals. They will be detained, turned over to Immigration authorities, and probably deported."

The decision in the Doe case has caused some to wonder if Arizona (or any other state) will begin offering a monetary award to any citizen who shoots an illegal immigrant. So far, congressmen from western states have declined to comment on this suggestion. One was quoted anonymously as saying, "If an illegal is shot during a border crossing, that's one thing. I don't think we would ever want to encourage shootings at the workplace, however. It would be too easy for an innocent person to get hurt."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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