Late last night several odd characters attacked the news office of the Ashland Daily Tidings in Ashland, Oregon, as staff was working on a late breaking only-important-to-locals story. The attackers burst in through the front door and stomped toward the startled newspaper employees, who at first thought they were seeing deranged local Shakespearian actors, but soon sensed danger and fled to the back room. Two individuals escaped by climbing out the girl's room window, but the third was trapped as he climbed from the toilet tank to the window.
Todd Zilmer, reporter intern, was grabbed and pulled down and experienced several bite wounds as he tried to fight off the strange attackers. The Police, alerted by the two that escaped, frightened off the attackers when they crashed through the girls room door.
Zilmer was rushed to the hospital where he was omitted with grizzly and prematurely infected wounds on his neck and right arm. The hospital reported that Zilmer, disappeared, with IV and all, from intensive care between five and five thirty AM this morning. Hospital staff cannot explain how Zilmer left without being noticed. An alert is out for Zilmer's whereabouts, as his wounds were severe and he may be contagious with unidentified staff like infection.
The two newspaper employees, who escaped, Tonya Fisher and Barbara Shapiro, described the attackers as weido hunchbacks with overalls. They have no explanation for the incident and Shapiro commented that, "that dopey Zilmer wanted to talk with the weirdoes when we were climbing out the window".
Little sense can be made of the newspaper attack. Fisher and Shapiro were working late to finish a story about local College Professor of Satirical Literature, Charles Adams-Smith. Adams-Smith has reported strange happenings around his house: attempted break-ins, missing cat, dog, and rabbit, stolen vegetables from garden, and strange howling from adjacent acreage. Adams-Smith recently published the best seller 'Spoofs Throughout the Ages'.
This reporter wonders; what happened to Todd Zilmer?, why the strange stuff with Adams-Smith?, where is Perot?, and why was the story so important to work late? - As deadline for next morning paper had already been missed.
And finally, who are the weirdoes? I'm thinking this is a reappearance of Zombies, SpoofZombies to be more exact. Spoofzombies haven't been seen since they harassed Johnathon Swift -- just after publishing 'A Modest Proposal'. Beware, there is no safe place for writers of parody, satire, or the most dangerous type of writing - SPOOFS.
