Sexy Restaurant Orders its Girls to Gain Weight

Written by Mike Monpas

Tuesday, 18 May 2010


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In anticipation of Supreme Court Nominee Elena Kagan's desire for world wide equality, one restaurant chain, where all the wait-staff have big hooters, has ordered that all its waitresses gain at least ten to fifteen pounds by the end of the month, or face mandatory layoffs.

The company's president believes that this move will help the company avoid any legal trouble down the road. "I just hated to tell the girls the news. But they're all going to have to start eating a lot more than they are now. What I'm telling them is, you're all gonna have to start munching on fries, taking big bites out of customers burgers, pop those chicken wings, drink more beer, and exercise less. Whatever it takes to get these girls up to national waitress weight standards is just what we're gonna have to do, if they want to keep their jobs."

Judge Kagan, a firm believer in world wide equality, is expected to order sweeping legal changes to the restaurant industry as part of her first act as a Supreme Court Justice.

In a secretly recorded interview while dining at a restaurant in Little Rock, Arkansas, Elena Kagan and then Governor Bill Clinton were overheard having an interesting conversation from the year 1989.

Bill - "So Elena, they tell me you're real good at this being all judge mental and such."

Ms. Kagan- "That's right Governor."

Bill - "So ahhh, let me give you a little test. Ya see Cindy over there? On a scale of one to ten, how do you rate her over all body? I'm talking hooters, legs, rear end, personality, the whole works."

Ms. Kagan - "Hmmmm. Well Governor, I just don't think it's fair that all these prissy little chicks get to run around here all day, flaunting their bodies for tips from lecherous glutinous bastards like you."

Bill - "Ya know, that's exactly what Hillary would say. I'm thinking she might have a place for you in Washington D.C. when we get there some day. I'll give you her number. It sounds like you two have a lot to talk about."

Waitress Tina Walker of Daytona Beach Florida is rather disappointed at the news. However she is now working toward the new weight standards with a cheerful smile. "Well, what the other girls and I are doing is, we just pile the customer leftovers into a big pile. After work we stuff our faces and wash everything down with lots of beer while we watch Sex in the City. So far so good, I've gained seven pounds already!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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