US teenagers too 'fat to fight'

Funny story written by Mike Roberts

Saturday, 1 May 2010

image for US teenagers too 'fat to fight'
American military testing new 'easier to carry' backpacks

Two retired generals, John Shalikashvili and Hugh Shelton, have said that overweight American teenagers are the greatest threat to the nation's future security.

"Some of our kids are so fat their only military use would be as something to roll down hills in the hope they can flatten one or two of the enemy." said General Shalikashvili.

General Shelton added his own take on the situation, "The 'Teletubby' generation are exactly that, too tubby from too much telly. These are dangerous times for our nation and many of our supposed 'veterans of tomorrow' haven't got the strength to punch their way out of a paper bag"

The generals have a point. Many of the US's potential adversaries are, in contrast to our own citizens, lean, mean fighting machines. They are often trained in the use of weapons from an early age, and know how to use them.

Compare this with the US. Headlines like 'Kid shoots himself in the foot with father's gun' are all to common. It is easy to see that American youth is ill-prepared to deal with the security challenges that face our nation in the future.

Youngsters were however quick to respond to the Generals' criticism.

"If the generals could see some of my scores on Call of Duty; Modern Warfare 2, I don't think he'd be quite so quick to criticise." said one young man we found wedged into his sofa in the student halls at USC.

"What do we need to be fit for?" asked another student "In this day and age we can just sit in our Humvees pressing buttons and, if that isn't enough, we hit them with a MOAB (Massive Ordnance Air Burst bomb) or even just nuke the bastards."

Indeed, while computer games are widely criticised for the part they have played in childhood obesity they could also be part of the solution.

The Trust for America's Health and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation for instance are said to be looking at ways to encourage kids to switch to the WII instead. "The more 'active' participation that is required [with the WII] could help us address the problems and lead to a fitter youth." said one representative.

Congress too is said to be considering what it can do to alleviate the problem. "Of course we're concerned," said one Senator, "We need young people to enforce our overseas policies and safeguard our interests there.

We fought long and hard to get the War on Terror firmly fixed in the minds of the public. We don't want to see all that hard work go to waste. We need 'lean meat for the grinder' not a bunch of 'flabbies'.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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