GOLF OBSERVERS SAY that "as Tiger Woods goes, so goes the tour." And since Tiger left the tour to deal with personal and marital problems, the tour has suffered from decreased revenues, decreased TV viewership and a general lack of interest. So today, officials announced their "settlement" with Elin Woods that they say will open the door for Tiger to return as early as next week for the Match Play Championship in Arizona.
"We are pleased that we have resolved our part in this marital disharmony," said spokesman Dave Slade, "since our failure to keep tabs on Tiger and notify Elin substantially contributed to or exacerbated the problem."
Slade appeared with his friend, Jim Richardsonstein who also recently announced a financial settlement with Elin.
"We are all a family here on the Tour, and our livelihoods depend on resolving all of Elin's issues with Tiger…, and we are so, so, so sorry, Elin…" said a teary-eyed Slade, who finally choked up and had to be helped away by Richardsonstein.
Although specific terms of the settlement were not disclosed, sources close to the negotiation say that Elin will receive a percentage of all revenues as long as Tiger is playing professional golf and that she will be appointed as Corey Pavin's assistant for the 2010 Ryder Cup Team. One report also states that has Elin a special exemption allowing her to develop and sell a line of wedges with deep, square grooves that are now prohited by general rule. If true, this would put Elin squarely in the middle of the latest controversy over special litigation exceptions to the overall ban on this type of golf club and make her the favorite of every guy on the tour.
Family law specialists and counselors say that never before have third parties participated in marital settlement agreements like this.
"This is clearly a unique situation," said Dick Shankman, a certified family law specialist representing Tiger Woods, "but our goal has simply been to get Tiger back on the Tour at no cost to Tiger, other than some ugly bruising. It looks like we are just about there."
Shankman refused to disclose any new endorsement deals in the works for Tiger that would replace lost endorsements, but rumors are flying about possible deals with cell phone companies, hotel chains, erectile dysfunction medications and a new 12-step program for men addicted to golf and sex. Shankman did acknowledge that, "the demographic for middle-aged men addicted to golf and fixated on sex is remarkably high, and there is far more endorsement revenue in that area than in any markets that have dropped Tiger."
Asked if there are any more third parties willing to pony up gratuitous compensation for Elin Woods, Shankman refused to comment but did say, "This really isn't Tiger's fault, but Elin was deeply hurt and she deserves every penny that we can get from all those who are dependent on Tiger as a golfer, as a financial powerhouse and as a role model for young married men everywhere."
