Sex-addict ex-golfer Tiger Woods, 45, wore me out, a leather-clad BDSM Mistress asserted yesterday.
Mistress Payne, 35, of exclusive San Fransisco S&M Dungeon Hades - a popular source of therapy for nympho celebrities such as Bible-Basher Billy Graham, ugly singing loony Susan 'Subo' Boyle and ageing Greek racist Prince Philip - said Tiger, 56, was simply insatiable.
The raven-haired dominatrix recalled : 'Tiger's sexual issues go way beyond what even we can accommodate.
'The usual heavy scenes had little effect on Tiger. Normally a week of floggings, hot wax, crucifixions, drinking my piss and living in a dog kennel are enough for the most way-out pervert. I mean, Cliff Richard went away from here a changed man in '96, and Julie Andrews hasn't looked at a chimney sweep with a ludicrous accent or a dwarf dressed as an Edwardian child since she stayed 5 years back.
'But I wore out my cat o' nine tails on Tiger, and it was me who had to use the safe word "niblick" to end the "Roots" fantasy slave scene we'd been sure would prove cathartic.
Mistress Payne, 32, said she was going to have to take a "sabbatical" herself, to recover from her ordeal. 'I'm hanging up my whips for a spell and taking a golfing holiday in Scotland', claimed the Six Foot Amazon, shaking her jet-black locks and squirming in her seemingly-sprayed-on PVC catsuit in disbelief.
Meanwhile, Tiger, 53, in search of stronger medicine, is to spend a fortnight in a pig-farming community in Arkansas. 'It's gotten to the kill or cure stage', said a member of Tiger's 100-strong Sex Therapy Backup Team yesterday. Between those livewire hogs and the folks who live out there, they're sure to iron out Tiger's kinks, one way or another!'
