WASHINGTON, DC - "The Wrathful God of Capitalist Right-Wing Conservative Extremists has played its hand in a conspiracy against the benevolent progressives in the Massachusetts election to fill a vacant Senate seat." This statement was part of long and winding explanations as to the loss of Democratic candidate Martha Coakley on January 19th, and discussions were often led by David Plouffe.
Although most blame was directed at Republicans and Conservatives, one or two attendees remarked that a few efforts of Democrats may have been counterproductive. When Alan Grayson used "F-bomb" derivatives 27 times in a three minute endorsement of Coakley that was critical of Conservatives, the phrase "F__CKING BLUE-BLOOD BROWN" probably made voters think Coakley was likely to spend too much time protecting the interests of Florida.
The harshest criticism of the GOP was about the "stealing of the election by unearthly and anti-democratic powers." A group of Harvard professors and intellectual atheists presented a strong case as to "fear of god" influencing an election where Democrats should win with at least 70% of the popular vote.
"A credible informant has provided tips on how Reverend Pat Robertson intervened in Massachusetts to aid the GOP," began Dr. Sumbai Mahtani. "The earthquake in Haiti was in fact the consequence of summoning Eldritch powers by Pat Robertson, witnessed by a man who was stricken on the morning of the election with an incurable, malignant, and virulent form of anal cancer. Our informant saw hundreds of cultists surrounding Robertson, and in a crescendo they beseeched him to order the mountains of damnation to eliminate those who would trespass against them." Hours later, Port-au-Prince shattered like glass against an anvil.
"Of course Coakley lost, people vote to spare their own lives, not for what's right. After they saw the merciless, vindictive destruction against those opposing policies of the Wrathful God of Capitalist Right-Wing Conservative Extremists, voters knew they would be totally screwed if Boston had a 7.0 earthquake."
Additional remarks from the group to support condemnation of the sinister alliance between the GOP and the unearthly power include:
"The Wrathful God of Capitalist Right-Wing Conservative Extremists once sent a 900-foot-tall Jesus and a 685-foot-tall Blue Ox to lay waste to all the trees and shrubs of Canada, spreading a barren, lifeless wasteland across the continent. Lush forests were delivered unto oblivion by the great axe of Jesus, while helpless villages were inundated by avalanches of ox manure."
"Centuries ago, a brave, earth-loving community organizer named Friedrich Nietzsche united squirrels, and raccoons, and groundhogs, and chickens, and weasels, and some young, free-thinking Baobab trees in a bloody and epic battle against the Wrathful God of Capitalist Right-Wing Conservative Extremists. A testament to the ferocity of the struggle remains today, and is known as the Roter Kamm Crater in Namibia."
"In Massachusetts, another light of Progressivism has been extinguished by the Wrathful God of Capitalist Right-Wing Conservative Extremists. The light of sweetness and economic justice called Coakley shall not shine in Congress, and now we see how the epic gains and enlightenment of only a year ago are so easily crushed by a nonexistent, invisible man in the sky with a list of ten things that he doesn't want people to do."
"It's clear that the Wrathful God of Capitalist Right-Wing Conservative Extremists is not content to merely turn oceans into blood, and strike the sun and stars from the sky. It wants our Health Care, and we must use any means to protect it, because the greatest enemy of Health Care is an invisible terrorist in the sky that killed millions of trees on Mount St. Helens to prevent insurance for pre-existing conditions."
