A Veteran's Hospital in Sheepdip, West (By God) Virginia has evicted a patient and refused him medical treatment, even though the man is a highly decorated war veteran. Tha patient in question, Franklin J. Fistums, was said to have systematically alienated and sexually and verbally harrassed all of the female staff, patients, and a few visitors.
Carla Primm, head of the De-Tox unit at the Center (The Greater West (By God) Virginia Veteran's Home and Hospital and Auto, Body, and Paint Shop) offered the following statement to reporters: "Yes, we realize that this man served his country in the war and in peace time valiantly, and we appreciate his service. What we don't appreciate are his hands and his mouth. Frankie The J., as he likes to be called, is crude and vulgar and I still have his teeth marks on my left breast."
Primm described a long list of infractions by the former Master Sergeant, to include
- Requesting sponge baths every hour because "i feel dirty down there and you're the one who can give me that clean, satisfied feeling"
- Putting the blood pressure cuff around his penis when nurses were not looking, and demanding that they "pump him up"
- Wearing comic book x-ray vision glasses and comparing panty styles of various nursing staff (and keeping notes!)
- Moving the bedpan to different parts of the room and challenging his roommate to a game of H-O-R-S-E (or peeing for distance contests)
- Inventing new ways to execute the "pull my finger" trick ("Nurse, can you help remove this cramp in my knuckle?")
- Accusing other patients of "cock blocking" when their wives, girlfirends, or daughters came to visit
- Keeping a posted chart to track ass pinches of all the female doctors and nurses, and throwing a party when he was the first to hit 100%
- Substituting beer for his medications in his IV
- Putting beer in his catheter bag to "screw with the boys in the lab"
- Going into other rooms at night and writing "immediate sex change operation needed" on the charts of the sleeping patients
The patient was being sent to the West Virginia State Psychiatric Evaluation Center to receive further evaluation. On his ambulance ride, however, he told E.M.T. that something was itching in his foreskin and that he really needed her to pull over and take a look. After radioing in the problem and saying that she was going to check it out, no further word has been received from the vehicle.
