INTERCOURSE, PA - Federal drug labeling laws soon will require that U.S. condom manufacturers use more accurate size labeling for their products.
American condoms presently come sized as Large, Larger, Huge, Horse and OMG. Small and Medium condoms never have been made, as manufacturers realized long ago that even if they DID make them, what self-respecting pin-dick would BUY them?
Beginning in January, 2010, however, there will be industry-standard sizing to which all U.S. condom makers must adhere. The new sizes are: Small, Medium, Large, X-Large and If-You-Say-So-Pal.
Finally, a man who might not quite be of NBA or porn-star proportions will be able to purchase his Smalls or Mediums with impunity. In addition, the American Federation United Condom Council (AFUCC) has announced that certain pharmacies, in the more shadowy parts of town, now will even carry Petites, for the discerning tiny-peened gentleman who, heretofore, had to wear Larges and hike them up to his armpits.
"This way, no man ever again has to go off half-cocked," said Senator T. Rojan Laytex (D-Pa), head member of the Senate committee responsible for stiffening the existing labeling laws.