Nerd yearns for the dead to rise up

Funny story written by Alexandria177

Thursday, 22 October 2009

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Stan says, "Head shots, only!"

Evans City, Pennsylvania - Stan Hebeman, 42, is a self-described expert on what he calls "Dead" films, and secretly has been yearning for a zombie uprising for years.

Stan knows, and can intelligently comment on, all five of George Romero's "living dead" movies, and is eagerly awaiting the sixth. And yes, he's also seen the two Night of the Living dead remakes!

Stan is also familiar with all the good and bad knock offs. The "Return of the Living Dead" series he scorns as "a comedic corruption of the master's vision". However, "Night of the Comet", "28 Days/Weeks Later" and the "Resident Evil" series he regards as "in the spirit" of Romero's serious portrayal of a zombie apocalypse.

Of course, even those movies do not entirely escape criticism. Obviously "Night of the Comet" had comedic aspects, the "28 Days/Weeks" movies involved fast moving infected, and "Resident Evil" throws in genetic monstrosities, which Stan believes detracts from the pure horror of the reanimated dead.

Still, the watching of all of these, including the "Dawn of the Dead" remake, the "Day of the Dead II" and even such beneath contempt ones like "Flight of the Living Dead" and "Zombie Strippers", has given Stan incredible training in the rules of survival.

"Sean of the Dead, for all that it was to be funny, showed the world that zombie uprisings were things that could be encountered by ordinary people, and British people, too.", said Stan. "A person would be a fool not to remember the rules of how to cope in such situations."

The rules, that Stan has painstaking gleaned from the movies, are several. "Always a head shot", relates Stan. "And if your bit, you must tell the others. They don't have to kill you, so long as you sacrifice your already about to die self for the group."

"And most of all", continued Stan, "Don't be Mr. Cooper, the first to leave other humans behind for the zombies. Not only does it make you a bad person, but you always die anyway."

Stan is no doubt refering to the famous scene in "Night of the Living Dead" where the white middle aged man, Mr. Cooper, locked the young and intelligent black man, Ben, out of the farmhouse to be consumed by the dead. That did not work out well for him, or the approximately one per film cowards ever since. Stan advises that one see the movie "28 Weeks Later" for the most notable betrayal yet, where a man runs away while the infected eat his wife.

Stan also has discovered one other rule that one can derive from Romero's movies. "Look for the smart and competent black man, there's always one. Don't listen to the middle aged white authority figure, unless he is supporting that black man. Any other route leads to disaster!"

Secretly, given how prepared Stan is for such a planetary disaster, and how dismal his life amongst the living is, he actually yearns for such a thing to befall mankind. After all, he is already prepared, and so would go from zero to hero about as fast as one could say, "They're coming for you Barbra!"

He has also noticed that acquiring willing women is sure a heck of a lot easier when they must rely upon strong male figures for protection from the dead. Whether it is the blond haired white Barbra getting that famous slap from Ben (believed to be the first time a black slapped a white in a movie), or the cute black girl in "28 Days Later" falling for the dorky hero, men have it a lot better.

Meanwhile, till hell is actually full, and the dead do walk the earth, Stan continues his incessant viewing of all films "dead", and greatly looks forward to seeing (when it comes out on DVD) "Zombieland".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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