Inbred Mutant Hoody Zombie Teen Stalk 'N' Slash Massacre - Part 15

Funny story written by Skoob1999

Friday, 18 September 2009


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Would You Care To Dance?

Johnny Boy has been decapitated by an unseen hand.

Lola of the luscious lips has disappeared in mysterious circumstances.

Buck and Nick were swallowed up by a trapdoor, and although we know they're okay, the others don't.

The others have found themselves in a charnel house, a house of horrors so loathesome it makes the house in 'Texas Hacksaw Massacre' look like the average person's Gran's front parlour.

Our people are looking for leadership. Outside, the storm rages. Inside, chaos reigns.

A particularly malevolent explosion of thunder rocks the very glass in the window frames. Even Angie's hitherto thrusting nipples have started to wilt.

An air of desperation prevails.

"Listen to me people," Abel Zorro says. "We know there's some real crazy shit going on here. What I propose we do, is we find Lola, we find Buck and Nick, and we get the hell away from here..."

"Then what?" Angie asks. Strangely enough her nipples spring back to full attention as everybody focuses on her.

Abel Zorro tears his gaze away from the protuberant points and suggests:

"We call the cops, or the army, or the frickin' SAS or somebody. Let them sort this out..."

"Why don't we do it?" Todd quips. "We're doing okay so far..." Todd thinks he's invincible because Angie's momma once gave him a BJ. Todd is a little immature and tends to allow his testicles to guide his thought processes.

"We can't do this ourselves," Abel Zorro says flatly. He is tempted to do the Riverdance as he thinks of flatly but restrains himself. "There seem to be too many of these mutant hoody zombie things. There must be hundreds of them."

"And this is their lair?" Fran asks.

"I think this is just the tip of the iceberg," Abel opines. "I think they probably have an extensive tunnel network or something..."

"But why?" Fran pouts, batting her eyelashes at Abel Zorro.

Who knows what's afoot yet has to stand at an awkward angle in order to avoid an embarrassing physical upsurge.

A frenzied pounding on the front door interrupts proceedings.

"What the fuck is that?" Todd blurts, almost jumping out of his skin.

"Sounds like a frenzied pounding on the front door to me," Abel Zorro says as he moves to open the door. Abel Zorro is no dummy, he's had prior dealings with chupacabras, and he's appeared in several horror movies as the seeker of truth, justice and the American way, so he is experienced enough to know that the pounding on the door is hardly likely to be the bad guys.

Bad guys are too sneaky to knock on doors.

Abel flips the lock and opens the door.

"Frankie the J!" he says, when he sees who's at the door. "Come in!"

"How are ya Zorro?" Frankie asks.

"I'm fine Francis. How's West 'By God' Virginia?"

"It's still there, or so I'm tole," Frankie says.

"So what's up?" Abel Zorro asks.

Frankie is a little breathless.

"You're all in mortal peril," Frankie says, nay, gasps.

"Why?" Angie asks.

Jesus, Frankie thinks. Them's some impressive titty bullets that kid has there. I could just...

"Why?" Angie repeats, distracting Frank from all thoughts of liquid soap and thrusting and stuff.

"It's these God damned mutant hoody zombie types," Frankie says. "There are hundreds of them around here. They prey on people who are just passing through, and they're ruthless."

"Why?" Angie says yet again.

Which would be really annoying had she not been the proud possessor of EDJTFDF.

(Erotically Displayed Jugs To Fucking Die For)

Pronounced "Edjutfudf"

"They're just a bunch of dirty thieving inbred pervert bastards," Frankie explains. "They wanna do lotsa dirty sex shit with the chicks, and they wanna steal all your possessions."

"Why are you telling us this?" Madame Bitters says, as she tickles the dog, Bear, under the chin. "Why us? Didn't you warn anybody else?"

Frankie shrugs.

"Usually the people who come here are arrogant teen assholes like those aggravating teens in Slasher movies, who deserve all they get. But you guys are different."

"How so?" Madame Bitters asks.

"Shit, I dunno girl! But I feels kinda like protective towards you guys. You gotta get away from here, right now."

"We cannot do that Francis," Abel Zorro says firmly.

"Why the hell not?" Frankie blurts. "What are you guys? Fucking idiots or what?"

"We can't leave yet," Abel Zorro says. "We have to find Buck and Nick first. We have to find La La La Lola, who drinks Coca Cola. We can't leave without them. Otherwise it wouldn't be a true representation of truth, justice and the American way."

"But where do we start looking?" Angie pouts.

"We start looking where Buck and Nick disappeared..." Madame Bitters says.

"Hey," Todd says, "I think I found a trapdoor..."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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