Researchers Say Zombie Attack Worse Than Bubonic Plague

Funny story written by Bureau

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

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This One's Headless

If today's society were ever attacked by zombies, according to a recent major study by a Think Tank that put the study of the Swine Flu on hold, we would probably be screwed, and quickly. Also, killed.

That was the conclusion of several university researchers in a Think Tank in Ottawa, Ontario, who set up mathematical models hypothesizing zombie attacks with that of the known infectious diseases with the well-known characteristics of zombie biology from most popular fiction.

"However, a new type of zombie created from nuclear waste material connecting up with old cemeteries might lead to a different conclusion, one we must study in the not so distant future", stated one of the eggheads, Edgar Egghead most thought.

But it could have been Eddie.

In fact, according to a July BBC News report, zombies are more threatening than the virulent diseases because they can regenerate (unless decapitated or incinerated, of course) says the report.

Much more troubling was the researchers' presumption that zombies move slowly, as in older movies, but in recent fiction, they're faster than a speeding bullet, making them nearly invincible.

However, if it's the nuclear waste-type, they could be very slow because some of them would have been dead so long any threatening appendages would fall off if one tried to strike you.

Werewolves could be defended against, even vampires but not zombies, at least not traditional, make-believe zombies.

Are they now ready to see if we can survive the Swine Flu?

"Yes", stated a Dr. Prague, "but not until after the alien attacks from inside our solar system."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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