In a surprising but long overdue announcement, Phoenix Sheriff Joe Arapaio has released plans to improve customer satisfaction at his famous jail site. In a monograph with the working title "Criminals are People, Too" the lawman cited a recent brain injury as the cause of his change of heart.
Using the results of a recent customer satisfaction survey, the Sheriff has determined that several aspects of his rehabilitation plan, whose former goal was to encourage law-abiding behaviors by creating a budget-level jail stay, have become stale. "Change!", he stated to this reporter. "I've evolved and so will the jail experience for these unfortunates in my care." From now on, he stated "The customer is king." No one cares that I and my family, law-abiding citizens all, grew up in Arizona's daunting heat without air conditioning. "These criminals deserve better and as long as I am drawing breath, they will have it."
The shift from punishing to nurturing starts immediately. Autonomy is stressed. No longer, for example, will male inmates be forced to wear humiliating plain pink underthings.
Recognizing that uniformity only encourages sullen acceptance, male inmates will be able to chose the color of their drawers, ranging from the palest blush to a vibrant cerise. "No choice is wrong," stated a beaming Arapaio. "It is all about developing the confidence to self-express."
As an adjunct to his vision, the new philosophy supports choice in meals. No more the tasteless bologna sandwiches of yesteryear. Now, guests will choose from a culturally sensitive menu which includes Hispanic favorites, halal and kosher meals, vegetarian, including a vegan option, and good ole home cookin'like you wish mama had made. Steak, rack of lamb, lobster, and complimentary wines will be available to trustees.
Recognizing the futility of housing inmates in hot and (let us be honest) boring tents, new buildings will include state of the art climate control, full bath with jacuzzi in each room, and landscapes which both soothe and challenge.
State of the art swim and gym facilities will be offered immediately, as will tennis courts. Golf will be added within the next few years, the sheriff promises and Iphones are coming! HD TV in each room is a given. Cable will be available to trustees.
"If only," Arapaio moaned, "we could bring the surf to Arizona and give these honored guests a beach experience. Maybe," he mused, "next year."
"Out with the chain gangs!" declares the sheriff. "No more this grinding humiliation. My honored guests will be encouraged to use their allotted time for sports, reading, games and simply re-evaluating. For those who wish it, full tuition to a university of their choice will be provided, but only if is is the guest's sincere wish. "None will be scorned here for lack of ambition or achievement" the sheriff declared with a wide smile and a tear in his eye.
Through these and other measures which will be made public as they come on-line, the sheriff confidently expects a rise in customer satisfaction scores.
As a footnote: As preliminary plans for the new experience became common knowledge, Phoenix is experiencing a crime wave the likes of which have never been seen.
