The State of California Votes To Ban The Word "Whatever"

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Saturday, 10 October 2009

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Laurie Axelrod of Pacific Palisades once uttered the word "Whatever" a total of 291 times in just six minutes.

SACRAMENTO - In a surprising move the California state legislature has passed a bill outlawing the use of the word 'whatever."

State Senator, Twyla Bassilacotta, 47, of Calabasas, said that she proposed the bill after recently shopping at the Lady Guinevere Shopping Mall located in Encino, California.

Senator Bassilacotta said that she had gone to the mall to shop for an appropriate swimsuit for her elderly grandmother Fernetta Tatts, 89.

The senator said that as her grandmother and her sat having lunch in the food court, they must have heard at least a dozen young teenage girls utter the word whatever, close to 150 times.

The senator said that after about the 130th time her poor grandmother became physically sick, but lucky for them, the senator had an empty brown paper sack in her purse.

The widely used word 'whatever' was recently named the most annoying word in America. It easily beat out other words such as 'you know,' 'any way,' 'it is what it is,' and 'Hey, I got your (INSERT WORD OF CHOICE HERE).'

English professor Estee Zellwegger (no relation to Renee) who teaches English at Left Coast College in Carpinteria said that the word 'whatever' has now surpassed the word 'the' in terms of usage.

She then said that the word 'whatever' actually first received widespread use in 1991, when it was spoken in the movie Clueless, a total of 158 times.

Professor Zellwegger noted that the word appears in pronouncing dictionaries as: WHAT-ev-ERRR. She said that the ideal pronunciation of the word is to have the first four letters strongly stressed along with stretching out the last R which achieves the desired air of secure confidence, blatant arrogance, and instant dismissiveness.

A colleague of professor Zellwegger's, Ambrosio Bayou-Gauche wrote a book entitled "Hmmmmm" which deals with every possible aspect of the most annoying words in the English language. The word 'whatever' is included in the book's very first chapter.

Bayou-Gauche pointed out that the word was first used in August of 1491, when Christopher Columbus asked Queen Freda the VII of Switzerland for money to buy three ships to sail across the Atlantic Ocean to prove that the world was not flat.

It is widely reported that Queen Freda the VII, eldest daughter of Queen Freda the VI, and Timmy Schwartz, Jr., laughed at Columbus and asked him if he really believed that the world was round like a tennis ball.

When Columbus answered that he most definitely believed it was she laughed, put up her hand with her palm facing Columbus and replied, "WHAT-ev-ERRR."

The word later gained widespread usage during the English Egg Laying Hen Wars of 1598 and the Second Bulgarian Pumpernickel Bread Uprisings of 1606.

Scholarly experts have documented proof that the word was surprisingly hardly used between March of 1607 and September of 1814.

It finally came back to prominence during the War of 1812, which was actually fought in 1814, but due to a printing shop error the 4 was changed to a 2.

Bayou-Gauche, who's great grandfather Herman Pickabiscuit, III, invented porridge said that the use of the 'W' word is not restricted to gender, age, race, religious belief, political affiliation, or diet regimen.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says that once the bill is implemented anyone caught using the 'W' word will be fined $55 for the first offense, $505 for the second offense, and $5,005 for the third offense.

When asked about the extra five dollars, the governor replied that the five bucks will be placed into the Governor's Annual Christmas Party Fund. He then added, not that it really is anybody's business.

In other news. The National Give-A-Sh*t Guild, which was founded back in 1969, has been permanently disbanded because sad to say none of the members really gave a shit anymore.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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