California Approves Do-It-Yourself Mammograms

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Thursday, 13 August 2009


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

SACRAMENTO, California - The California Senate has just approved a bill which would allow female residents of California over the age of 27, the opportunity of performing their very own Mammograms in the privacy of their own home (apartment, condo, or trailer).

The Bill known as California Mams 36D will now go before Governor Schwarzenegger for approval and signing.

State Senator Syndi "Lollipop" Figglefacker author of the bill stated that she has been trying to get this bill passed for the past two years.

She said that hundreds of constituents in her district, which encompasses the San Fernando Valley area, home to hundreds of topless clubs, have asked her to please help get this bill passed through the senate.

Senator Figglefacker along with the help of Senator Bonnybelle Creekview (36B), Genevieve Zagarelli (38C), and Senator Woody Cockaponset (6) was instrumental in spearheading the drive to make this bill a reality. In fact, Creekview, Zagarelli, and Cockaponset have nicknamed the bill The Lollipop Mams 36D Bill.

The 36D designation is used in honor of Senator Figglefacker who since her breast augmentation surgery back on Valentine's Day in 2006, is now a 36D up from a 36A.

When a reporter for The Pacoima Globe Observer Mallie Orientali asked the senator if she was somewhat embarrassed by the fact that the size of her sweater treats was being used as part of the bill's name she replied, "Oh my...absolutely not. I am very very proud of my fairly new funbags."

The senator went on to say that ever since the surgery her husband Franz has never been prouder of her wonderful-looking rack. She confesses that he has taken over 600 photographs of her maracas which he keeps in a photo album on the coffee table which he titled 'My Lollipop's Floaties.'

The senator smiled and as she put a Tic Tac in her mouth, added that not a day goes by that someone at the grocery store, or the gas station, or even at one of the local neighborhood bars doesn't compliment her on her deliciously gorgeous-looking 36D puppies.

Senator Figglefacker stressed that the words 'deliciously gorgeous-looking 36D puppies' are not her words, but the words of literally hundreds of men and about half a dozen women in her voting district.

The senator was asked by Miss Orientali how exactly the do-it-yourself mammogram program would work. The senator said that the procedure would virtually be a very simple one.

First the female resident of California would have to show photograph proof that she is in fact a resident of the state.

Figglefacker said that a valid California driver's license would be sufficient, and she added that a Costco membership card would also be acceptable.

Once the registration is complete then the applicant will be asked to provide a VISA card number (or any other valid credit card). A California Mams 36D Self Mammogram Kit will then be shipped via UPS to the applicant's domicile and she will be charged $99.14, tax included and a handling fee (no pun intended) of $29.93, for an affordable total of $129.07.

The Mams 36D Kits come in your choice of five vibrant designer colors; Papaya Pink, Marshmallow White, Grapefruit Yellow, Funbags Fuchsia, and Tata Terra Cotta.

The kits are packaged in discreet brown paper wrapping with the words Sears Roebuck Catalog printed on the outside so that there will be no embarrassment on the part of the male (husband and/or boyfriend) if he happens to be the one who receives the package from the UPS delivery man or woman.

Senator Figglefacker has said that she has been receiving daily emails and texting from people from all over including such places as Twin Buttes, North Dakota; Titonka, Louisiana; Titusville, Pennsylvania; Milkwood, Washington; Titule, Zaire; and The Grand Tetons National Park in Wyoming inquiring about the do-it-yourself mammogram kits.

Anyone requesting any further information about California's do-it-yourself mammograms can go online and log-on at www.speedbumps.tit or www.perkynuggets.nip

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more