Democrats' favorite love positions posted at convention

Written by Frank Cotolo

Tuesday, 27 July 2004


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image for Democrats' favorite love positions posted at convention
The special love-number posting wall at the DNC.

BOSTON, Mass. -- As the gala of the Democratic National Convention ensued with classy party speakers and features about John Kerry's personality, a little-known sidebar of the delegates and party leaders was taking place in the backrooms of the arena.

In a smoke-free room, party officials' staff members post the favorite love positions of government representatives.

"It's a hobby," said a staff member of Carl Levin, senator from Michigan. "It takes a lot of the stress off of the staff because we have to go through the protocol of a convention and the pomposity of our bosses.

"We allow delegates to come to this room and read the postings, however. It's only fair."

One of Hillary Clinton's staff members posted her favorite love number just before Senator Clinton spoke to the convention.

"Mrs. Clinton loves eighty-nine and always has. It is a strange position but it is the sole reason she and Bill have stayed together. If Monica Lewinski had known about eighty-nine, history would have been different."

As it turned out, Senator Levin also favored the eighty-nine position. One of his staff members --no pun intended-- said, "The older the senator gets the more adventurous his favorite position becomes."

Other positions posted during the evening included Al and Tipper Gore's fifteen, Ted Kennedy's seventy-two and Bob Kerry's twelve.

This is the first time the love-position wall chart has been made available to members of the convention. For decades, the collection of this data was solely shared by insiders.

"You wouldn't believe the positions of Lyndon Johnson," said Howard Dean official Ben Lavander. "And George McGovern to this day will not reveal one. We thought for a long time that George never had sex with any living thing. He was asexual.

"Of course Jack Kennedy could never narrow down a favorite position. He had a flavor of the week, so to speak, and it is legend that he created the now famous one-hundred-three position, which, of course, demands the presence of at least four other people.

"Jimmy Carter's 'lust in the heart' positions were also creative, although they always involved a married partner."

There is now talk of a special edition Kama-Sutra that is geared toward the favorite positions of politicians through American History.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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