Gov. Schwarzenegger To Release One Million Prisoners

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Thursday, 28 May 2009

image for Gov. Schwarzenegger To Release One Million Prisoners
Sausalito's First Sauvesito State Bank which was held up by LaVondell Kincade, III.

BEVERLY HILLS - CNN is reporting that California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has just informed them that he will shortly be releasing one million prisoners who are currently incarcerated in the California prison system.

The governor said that he does not like having to take this unprecedented measure. He added that he has thought long and hard and he has come to the conclusion that this 'convict release' measure has to be implemented because the state can not afford to house these convicted felons any longer.

Schwarzenegger said that the state needs to receive $21 billion just in order to keep from filing for bankruptcy. He remarked that he cannot justify paying $30,000 to house each prisoner.

The governor said, "Heck, it would be cheaper to send each inmate to UCLA. And don't think that I have not given that idea some thought."

He noted that UCLA football coach Canyon Hoogaboom is one of the few who have publicly come out in favor of the governor's 'convict release' program.

Hoogaboom was quoted in The Cucamonga Afternoon Bugle that when he first heard of Schwarzenegger's proposal his mouth instantly began to salivate.

Coach Hoogaboom said, "Can you imagine having some of these fellas on our UCLA Bruins team. I personally know for a fact that about 90,000 of these inmates played football in community colleges, vocational institutions, junior colleges, and auto repair academies."

The coach added that he has already talked to three prisoners who currently reside in San Quentin Prison. He said that he talked to LaVondell Kincade, III, who was convicted of robbing six banks in the Sausalito area.

Kincade, a defensive tackle who stands 6 foot 10 and weighs 320 pounds, has already promised coach Hoogaboom that once he is released from prison he will immediately enroll at UCLA and join the Bruins football team.

Another convict that is anxious to join Hoogaboom's team is Addison Poindexter, a 6 foot 6 quarterback from Fresno who this past year, led the San Quentin Fighting Felons to a 10-0 record.

Poindexter, a convicted counterfeiter threw six touchdown passes in The United States Prison Systems 'Super Bowl' game in which they defeated The Sing Sing Jailbirds 42-3.

But Hoogaboom said that the one inmate that he is really looking forward to have join the UCLA Bruins team is Carlitos Gomez-Gomez, a 19-year-old fantastic kicker who kicked for the Chino Prison Crazy Cobras.

Coach Hoogaboom said that even though Gomez-Gomez is only 5 foot 4, he is the best kicker that he has ever seen, including professionals Morton Andersen and Mike Vanderjagt.

Little Carlitos, who was convicted of kidnapping three Las Vegas showgirls, owns the all-time prison system record of kicking 947 straight field goals without a single miss.

Gomez-Gomez also set the record for the longest field goal last year which he set against The Leavenworth Rock Crushers.

The Fighting Felons were trailing 52 to 51 with two seconds left when Gomez-Gomez was sent in to try a very long field goal. The ball was snapped, Carlitos put his foot to it, and the football sailed perfectly right between the uprights, a total of 101 yards.

The stadium went wild and prison guards had to fire off about 2,000 warning shots before the inmates in the stands could settle back down.

Unfortunately nine hot dog vendors, two beer babes, and one wiener-on-a-stick seller were hurt in the 55-minute melee.

Jillian Boyette of Iron Bar Sports Weekly described it as an unbelievable scene with thousands of convicts yelling and hollering and tossing around their balls and chains like they were marshmallows and twine.

One of the jailbirds, Bubba "Norman" Timberwater had to be tasered because he flat out refused to peaceably put down, one of the San Quentin cheerleaders, Timmy "Tina" Hipwood.

Hipwood was released unharmed but he said that he will never again attend one of the prison football games.

So the way it looks if the entire prison population of California is released into society a lot of colleges may be giving some of these inmates a look.

An 'inside' source, a real 'inside' source said that he heard that the Detroit Lions, who last year finished at 0-16, are even considering checking out some of these convicts.

SIDENOTE: Leavenworth State Prison Warden Travis Baumbaxter told ESPN that Carlitos Gomez-Gomez's football jersey number 5983465 is being retired.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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