Reports were released today that the Obama administration, working in cooperation with Congressional Republicans, will introduce legislation to put stimulus money to work and get the economy moving again. Citing the need for well staffed death panels to fulfill the vision so ably created by the Palin/Limbagh partnership and eager for the President's team to succeed, administrators moved into action.
Citing figures developed by the General Accounting Office (GAO), officials estimate that 500,000 panels, composed of 5 members each will be needed to address the needs of the 300 million US population.
Providing work for at least four million Americans, the panels will serve the needs of the unemployed and give a much needed boost to workers in the flagging funeral industry, while reducing medical costs exponentially. No longer will the sick and suffering or those with the potential to become sick and suffering, be treated at great cost. Now they will simply be executed in a friendly and service-oriented way, according to the findings of their local death panel, the better to serve the needs of the economy.
The bill states, in brief, that each panel will be responsible for judging the fate of 75,000 citizens.
At first skeptical, backers will approve the plan if they are able to insert provisions that only elderly Democrats will first be judged, followed as the program grows, young and middle aged Democrats, and finally anyone judged to be foreign, a hippy, or a liberal.
News that the bill will aid the small business owners who predominate in the funeral industry by offering tax incentives for quick performance has been welcomed. Provision is also made for all the executioners so cruelly made redundant as state after state, Texas and Virginia excepted of course, reduced the number of executions carried out each year.
Hiring will begin immediately. Anyone wishing to serve must provide proof of birth in real states, not that Hawaii nonsense. Walking and chewing gum simultaneously will be required of supervisors only. Salary is commensurate with qualifications and experience. The federal government is an equal opportunity employer. In a footnote, it was claimed that "that nonsense will soon be ended."
On hearing the news, Obama requested an immediate report on the sanity of the American people.