Vatican Condemns Health Care - Will Excommunicate Obama: Report

Funny story written by mamad

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

In a surprise announcement, senior Vatican officials today leaked the content of Pope Benedict's up-coming encyclical Bacterium en Vitam Eternam Primum Est. Life, the officials informed a rapt audience, is sacred. Bacteria, viruses, fungi....all life must be allowed to fulfill its potential regardless of effect on host organisms, the environment, or humans.

Quietly scratching under their robes, the officials pointed out that the doctrine of the primacy of life is directly opposed to heretical medical philosophy which favors one form of life, in this case the human, over all others. This disgusting stance is clearly contrary to the will of the Almighty who, as we all know, sent His servant Adam the task of naming all life, not just human, and His servant Noah the task of preserving all life from His wrath. No where did he say "Poppeth thou a course of anti-biotics and you will feel better." Why did He not? The clerics explain.

"We cannot justify the killing of even the tiniest bacterium, the most miniscule fungus, the tiniest virus in the false pursuit of a false higher good. Are these organisms not living? Should we step on them would they not die? Do they not feel pain? Are they not God's creation?" How then, is extinguishing one form of God's miracle of life allowable?

"From this day forward, obtaining or giving medical care, advice or opinions will henceforth be considered a sin against the commandment 'Thou shalt not kill.'" they sternly warned. "Infractions will be punishable by half an eternity in Purgatory followed by the fierce fires of eternal damnation."

In short, entering into any medical activity is now a mortal sin.

"Be warned, O ye of little faith in the US" they warned, "Any effort to, (may God forbid the sacrilege), extend health care to the fortunate many who can not presently afford it, will be punished severely in the afterlife. "Obama is doomed, along with the leaders of all industrialized societies and leaders of those third world countries, (and they know who they are), who foolishly have tried to defy the will of God by taking care of sick people."

"Only the United States has gotten it right," they declare. "By gradually removing more and more citizens from the ranks of the health-care eligible they have acted in accordance with the highest principles of God-fearing behavior. Much like the legendary frog, executed by placement in cool water heated to boiling by gradual stages, the American people have not only grown accustomed to the utter neglect of their government, they have come to exhault it. Praise be!

In a related story, US right-wingers, in government and outside of government, may they be praised, were gloriously rewarded by the pharmaceutical and insurance industries. Thanks to their alliance with these entities, many cathedral-like edifices to impress the Lord God will be erected over the next several years and many campaign contributions will be made. It is to be hoped that their health will enable them to live to see the culmination of their work.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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