Written by Robert W. Armijo

Thursday, 3 September 2009

image for Jaycee Lee Dugard's Attempted Escapes Foiled by Her Abductor's Gardening Skills
Police caution: Be wary of neighbors that trim the hedge too often. Be very wary

Antioch, California - Despite what is being reported in the mainstream media, Jaycee Lee Dugard did attempt to escape, only her abductor's gardening skills frustrated and foiled her endeavors.

"Each morning that sick bastard -- I mean the gentleman -- would wake up before the crack of dawn, go to the backyard and rearrange the shrubbery into an elaborate garden maze," said Detective John Mendoza of the Antioch Police Department, investigating the Dugard case.

Dugard would then wake up each morning, attempting to find her way out of the green labyrinth of her captivity.

"As she paced the grounds looking for an exit, Dugard would drop popcorn or pieces of paper, along the way so she would know if she was retracing her steps, going around in circles" said Detective Mendoza, as he repeatedly opened and closed his hands, clinching them into fists. "Pretty smart girl. Only she didn't know her captor was always one-step ahead of her, waiting for her to tire, return to the shed and fall back to sleep, so he could rearrange the shrubbery allover again."

After several years of walking in the ever-changing evergreen magical labyrinth, Dugard began to hallucinate. Believing that she must have fallen down a hole, chasing a white rabbit like Alice in "Alice in Wonderland."

"By then she was talking to little creatures believing they were her only friends, answering her back, giving her secret clues," said Detective Mendoza, as he loosened his tie and began to sweat profusely, grinding his teeth.

Eventually, Dugard simply gave up trying to find a way out of the ever-changing evergreen magic labyrinth.

"Excuse me," said Detective Mendoza, removing his jacket, rolling up his sleeves and cracking his knuckles. "Now I have to go give the pond scum the third degree -- I mean interrogate the alleged perpetrator."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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