California To Vote On Legalizing Marijuana

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Friday, 17 July 2009

image for California To Vote On Legalizing Marijuana
A photo of Tijuana Tecolote, the most powerful Marijuana in the world (photo and pot courtesy of Jamie Ignatowski).

SAN JOSE, California - State Senator Ava Winterhalter has entered a proposal (California Pot Proposal #876-3) into the California State Legislature which would legalize the growing, selling, and use of Cannabis aka pot, Mary Jane, Acapulco Gold, Maui Wowie, Durango Bango, Peruvian Pinata, Tijuana Tecolote, and L.A. Souffle, etc.

Senator Winterhalter, who's nickname interestingly enough is Sinsemilla, said that the move would generate $1.4 billion in much needed state revenue.

Governor Schwarzenegger has gone on record as saying that he is all for the measure because with a state deficit of over $26 billion the Golden State is in one serious world of shit (his word).

The governor has been seriously considering the taxing of pot since January 19, 2009, which oddly enough is the birthday of 24-year-old Jamie "Loco Weed" Ignatowski of Oxnard.

The Iggster as his family, friends, and probation officer call him is regarded by state law enforcement officials as the biggest marijuana user in the entire state of California. No one even comes close to the Iggster, not even heavy metal bands.

The Oxnard Morning Voice wrote that last year alone, Ignatowski enjoyed 247,456 marijuana cigarettes by himself. That astounding number comes out to 703 joints a day.

The newspaper called Mr. Ignatowski to ask for his reaction to the legalization of pot proposal, but when he answered the phone all he kept saying was "Okay who the hell took my roach clip?" over and over and over.

Ignatowski's wife, Mary Jane (her real name, honest) took the phone away from her husband. She was asked if Jamie was all right.

She replied that he was and that every now and then she likes to hide his roach clip in the refrigerator, or in the washing machine, or in her bra just to watch his crazy-ass reaction when he can't find his roach clip.

Mary Jane or "Potty," as her grandmother Bubbles calls her said that one day last month Jamie got so mad because he couldn't find his roach clip that he grabbed his shotgun and went out in the backyard and shot up a Sequoia tree.

The 30-foot tree, with bird's nests and all, fell right into the Ignatowski's neighbors, (the Beckendorfs) brand new swimming pool.

Jamie quickly went over and apologized to Marcel and Emma but they were quite upset because when the tree landed in the pool it caused Marcel's 101-year-old grandmother, Cleoletta Irma Wurlitzer, who was splashing around in the pool, to instantly sh*t all over the pool.

Mrs. Ignatowski assured the Beckendorfs that her and her husband would take care of the pool cleaning bill.

Marcel Beckendorf also told her that they would have to pay for the therapy sessions since Cleoletta had become tremendously traumatized by the incident.

It seems that now anytime granny Cleo sees a bottle of water she immediately pees on herself.

Emma said that it is getting out of hand. Granny has peed at a Jack-in-the-Box four times, in the Wal-Mart ten items or less lane twice, in the SUV once, and in church four times.

She said that last Sunday, the preacher took $20 out of the collection plate and told her to go on home and sit in her backyard by the avocado bushes.

Governor Schwarzenegger has asked both Jamie and Mary Jane to participate in a Just Say Yes To Grass campaign. The governor said that to begin with there will be one centralized marijuana dispensing location.

The 'Pot Dispensing Plant' will be located in San Jose, in the old U-Haul building. Governor Arnie appeared on the Tonight Show and he told Conan O'Brien that it won't be long before you hear thousands of Californians singing the old Dionne Warwick song, "Do You Know The Way To San Jose."

Senator Winterhalter said that they will need 443,000 signatures in order to place the Tax, Regulate, and Control Cannabis Act on the upcoming election ballot.

Senator Winterhalter beamed with joy as she announced that they already have a little over 3.8 million signatures in the San Francisco Bay area alone.

The States Attorney General Sabatino Cuchara said he heard that there are roughly about 4.7 million east coast college students who are making plans to transfer to California colleges.

SIDENOTE: It is as yet unconfirmed, but there is talk that Willie Nelson is presently meeting with his manager about booking a California tour as soon as possible. An unnamed, but highly reliable source said that it looks like Willie and his band will probably be playing in about 900 California cities in 901 days.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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