Remains of American ideals found

Funny story written by matwil

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

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The funeral of American ideals will be held this afternoon. Bring your own British flag, language, oil, opium ...

A journalist has found the remains of the last of the American ideals that still existed before the first Gulf War began.

The ideal was shot down on the first day of that war in 1991, a day which also saw the final death of the Monroe Doctrine, another ideal where the USA only defended itself but took no part in any wars outside of its own country, and especially never got involved in ones in places like Iraq.

Admiral Gary Bonehead, Chief of the Sinking Ship of American Democracy, said in a press statement: 'Our Navy will never give up believing we're somehow fighting and dieing for freedom and democracy, even though we're fighting and dieing for oil.'

'And of course 'the flag'. What other people see as a piece of colored cloth no different from any other patterned bit of colored cloth in the world somehow takes on magical properties for Americans - and means they happily go and die in places like Korea, Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan. You'd think they'd learnt by now, but at least I'm nice and safe in my armchair in the Pentagon.'

Such cynicism shocked many Americans - but not even children outside of the USA - and President Barack Onholidayarama said: 'We have come this far! This far, yes, we, can, we can - indeed - coin cliches to win votes in the good old mightiest, and need I say pompous (well, I am) country in the world. So mighty that it can't win wars, but spends billions trying.'

'And its leader is so powerful that he can't even do the first thing he promised he'd do if he got elected, which was to withdraw US soldiers from Iraq. Funny how the British have managed to do that, but the Americans are still stuck there. That's the price of being so mighty, I reckon. The British and French actually rule the world and have done so for over 300 years, Americans play at it for a couple of decades and die trying. I quit.'

But just as Americans began wondering what exactly their troops were doing in the Middle East and Eastern Europe, or why they even have troops if they can't win wars, an anonymous White House aide suggested to President Onholidayarama that not quitting and going on a permanent holiday and letting the British and French run things would be a good idea.

'After all', he added, 'only very, very stupid people would think that the British and French - and now also the Russians and Chinese - don't rule the world. The same people that voted for you and George W. Bush, sir', and President Barack Onholidayarama put his head in his hands and cursed the day he ever believed being becoming an American could ever lead to anything except sending young men to die in British and French colonies for opium and oil.

1776 - somebody was suckered then. Wonder who it was?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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