Written by Adam Click

Thursday, 30 July 2009

image for As Feds Tighten Regulations More States Act on Wanking While Driving
Keep your eyes on the road, your hands upon the wheel.

Another tragic head-on collision over the weekend has brought new attention to the federal government's efforts to crack down on those who would wank and drive. Meanwhile, state authorities across the nation have promised more road blocks during this up-coming Labrador Retriever Day weekend in an attempt to catch more wankers in the act. In addition, under newly enacted federal legislation those who wank while driving will face even stiffer fines than are available under the present law.

Mothers against wanking and driving, otherwise known as MAWAD, initiated the current effort after the Department of Transportation released a study which showed that those who wank while driving were more than 30% more likely to be involved in a wanking related accident than those who didn't.

"We have nothing against wanking," spokesperson, Andy Strokes, said during an interview. "and we have nothing against driving, but when you combine the two, that's where MAWAD gets involved."

MAWAD is involved in all aspects of the wanking and driving phenomenon from public education to advocating for those who hope to overcome their problem. Talking about wanking and driving can be a sticky topic, but a necessary one for the wanking addict if they ever hope to overcome their problem.

Stephan Woody was one such addict who got help through MAWAD. In his own words he recalls what MAWAD did for him. "If it weren't for MAWAD I'd still be wanking today. Thanks to the patience of MAWAD counselors I no longer feel the need to wank and drive." Sadly MAWAD wasn't there for Stephan Woody the day he destroyed the lives of his family.

Trooper Peter Hardy of the Nevada State Police explains the hazards of wanking and driving: "You can always tell when there's an old wanker behind the wheel because they leave their turn signals on, often for miles on end. It's the younger, less experienced wankers that are really dangerous, though. For one thing they can wank more often, and they also tend to close their eyes at the end. Older wankers don't bother."

Sadly police only catch a small percentage of those who wank while driving. Presently, Those who do get caught face a small fine for their first offense, although as the arrests accumulate the penalties intensify as well. A chronic wanker may end up with a special ignition lock that will prevent the vehicle from being started unless the driver has his pants up and his fly zippered.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: America




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