CNN Fires Lou Dobbs - Replaces Him With Ann Coulter

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Monday, 3 August 2009

image for CNN Fires Lou Dobbs - Replaces Him With Ann Coulter
Lou Dobbs reading the want ads in his backyard.

NEW YORK CITY - After being subjected to a tremendous amount of pressure and criticism from corporate sponsors CNN has decided to let veteran talk show host Lou Dobbs go.

The move really came as no surprise to the 63-year-old crotchety Dobbs who says that he had been warned time after time to stop harping about wanting to see President Obama's birth certificate.

Dobbs had recently gone on record as saying that he wanted all of the illegal aliens rounded up, put in C-5A transport planes, given parachutes, and dropped out over the Yucatan Peninsula in southern Mexico.

The Big Old Cabbage Patch Doll, as Katie Couric calls him of course staunchly denies ever having said that and adds that his words were simply misconstrued.

Dobbs stated that what he really said was that the wanted the illegal aliens to be paid $8 an hour to round up stray swine that he believed to be carrying swine flu.

Dobbs proposed that these swine then be placed in C-5A's and flown down to Mexico and dropped over the Yucatan Peninsula, but without, without, he stressed the parachutes.

Louis Ethel Dobbs, who has been called the CNN Pillsbury Doughboy, among several other names said that in regards to the president's birth certificate he does not really care to see it.

He said that he personally spoke to Mrs. Obama and she assured him that the place where the birth certificate asks for place of birth, reads: Honolulu, Hawaii; and that is good enough for him.

One of the top CNN executives Wilhem Schertzinger said that Lou Dobbs will be replaced with the somewhat outspoken Ann Coulter.

When asked if he wasn't afraid that Coulter would probably end up stirring up more of a mess than Dobbs ever dreamed of doing Schertzinger said that he certainly hoped so.

He went on to say that, that was precisely what he wants in order for the viewers to tune in. He said that Dobb's viewership numbers had gone from 1.7 million a year ago down to 1,784 last week.

Schertzinger said that he and the other top executives at CNN had agreed that they would get double that number of viewers who would tune in just to get a look at Ann Coulter's famous long as an Alaska winter's night legs, which Wolf Blitzer has referred to as "The Lonnnnnnng Legs To Nowhere."

Coulter has agreed to a $3 million a year contract which is about $4,000 less than what Dobbs was receiving.

When Dobbs was asked what he plans to do he just smiled, took a drink from his glass of Redneck Prairie Fire and answered, "I do not know. It sure beats the hell out of me."

He did say that he plans to take it easy relaxing out on his New Jersey Cluck Cluck Chicken Ranch. Dobbs said that he currently has 87 chickens but that he plans to buy 9 more to make it an even 100 (sic).

When asked if he had ever talked to the president about his being so adamant on wanting to see his birth certificate. Dobbs replied that one day last week, the president had called him and basically told him to back off with his wanting to see his birth certificate bullshit or he would have him fired.

Dobbs just figured that it was just Obama's way of kidding him. Dobbs grinned and said, "But apparently the bro from Illinois was not kidding, dammit!"

SIDENOTE: CNN Executive Wilhelm Schwertzinger said that Lou Dobbs was told that he could report to the CNN Television Studios in Xochimilco, Mexico where he could be the new director of food additives for Channel Ocho-Cinco (85).

Station manager Emilio Nueva Cueva said that they would be willing to pay Dobbs $300 a week plus all of the tamales, tacos, tostadas, tortas and tequila that the big ole cabbage patch-looking hombre can eat and drink.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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