Written by Morgan Truce

Sunday, 3 April 2005

image for Wal-Mart Blown to Smithereens!
Smiling woman thought to be the perpetrator just moments before huge Wal-Mart explosion.

SPRINGFIELD, FL (AP) A massive explosion brought down the local Wal-Mart early this morning. The blast left a large gaping hole in the ground where Wal-Mart had been doing business for the past 7 years. Fire Department Chief Max Hosing said, "This appears to be yet another copycat Wal-Mart bombing. This would be the fourth one in Florida and, I think this makes about 40 nationwide. We sure hope to catch the perpetrator soon," said Chief Hosing, with his fingers crossed behind his back.

A crowd of about 300 bystanders stood around the police crime scene tape erected around the hole left by the blast.


a photograph (taken from the Goodyear blimp) of the
hole that was once a Wal-Mart Super Center. It appears
that the epicenter of the blast was the Shoe Department.
Indeed, thousands of Chinese-made shoes were found
as far as four miles from the explosion!

A man, who did not wish to be identified said, "Well, I'm kinda glad this Wal-Mart got blowed up. I hated that awful music they played in there all the time, and their prices sure were never as low as they advertised! Who needed all their cheap Chinese crap?"

A group of several smiling women were overheard to comment: "We miss all our local stores that this Wal-Mart ran out of business."

"I was a cashier in there---they cheated me on every paycheck!"

"I'm so happy! This is the best thing that ever happened for our town!"

"Good riddance!"

At the far side of what was left of the parking lot, a small group of Wal-Mart executives from the regional headquarters were trying to set up an emergency response center so that plans could be made to quickly re-build the demolished store. "We are planning to put up a Super Duper Wal-Mart here to replace the older store. We would like to…." Just then a group of angry townspeople began pelting the men in suits with tomatoes, rotting garbage, and all the things they bought at Wal-Mart that broke when they tried using them. Local police were called in to guard the retreating Wal-Mart executives as they tried to make their way back to the airport.

A blonde woman, who looked remarkably similar to the woman spotted walking away from the building just before the explosion, told the cheering crowd, "This is the way to send that Wal-Mart corporation a message! We've had enough of your terrible stores, your 2-cent price roll-backs, your sexist pay practices, and your phony greeters… and don't send us any more of your stupid fliers in the mail: we don't want to see any more of ‘Betty in Customer Service' and ‘Susan in Toys' with her snotty looking children modeling all that crappy clothing!"

The string of Wal-Mart bombings has caused Wal-Mart shares to drop 89% in the past month. The company has filed for bankruptcy. Few shoppers seem willing to take a chance at spending any time in a store that could get blown to smithereens at any moment.


The FBI has released a photograph of an "individual of interest" in the string of Wal-Mart bombings:


If you have any information about the above pictured individual, please keep it to yourself----so he can blow up a few more Wal-Mart stores before he is apprehended.


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: business, Fire

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