Written by Rebut

Tuesday, 24 August 2004

image for Spider-man Burglar Convicted
When did you get out Rufus?

A New York man dubbed Spider-man because of his ability to scale walls, leap from windows and swing on fire escapes has been convicted for breaking into Manhattan apartments and offices. He was also convisted for breaking into 2 schools, which is kind of dumb as even my kids know you break out of them.

Rufus Graham 41 has previous convictions which means he faces a sentence of 15 to life when sentenced on September 22.

Am I missing something or isn't Spidey supposed to get a tingling sensation whenever he's in trouble? This geezer obviously doesn't because he has racked up a set of convictions which will leave him in for many years.

His medical will go something like : "Spidey don't plan on watching the next 5 Olympics. I hope you brought a book to read. Mmmm in your case anything over 120 000 pages should be useful. Monopoly is no good, by the time you get out the rest of us will be working on credits.

Of course my all time classic (true - urban legend) would be if Her/His Honour sends him down for 60 years. "Your Honour I'm 41 I can't do 60 years.."

"No pressure Mr Graham just do as much as you can!" Bet that will get the Spidey tingling. He'll be down there muttering for weeks.

The reports don't tell you whether he has kids or not. As many of you would know the first thing that Mrs Spidey does after sex is she eats Mr Spidey. It's natures way of telling Mr Spidey that he has crapped out. Of course if Spideys tingle when they're in danger then surely the sight of Mrs Spidey with 8 legs and a knife and fork must be a giveaway.

In defense of Spidey, I must admit that I've watched my mother-in-law for some years now and even when she comes up from behind a Rain-spider or Black Widow neither of them gets the tingle. Although to be fair the fact that she hovers above and behind on her broom must throw them off a bit.

Of course another question we mustn't overlook is why a Spidey would want to make Manhatten his hunting ground. Firstly it's vastly overpopulated so the chances are a lunatic swinging off fire-escapes is going to be observed by New York's Finest - which he was.

Secondly, even if there are pickings how do you move them about with all that congestion? Do you stand there acting nonchalantly while trying to balance a baby grand piano?

Of course the fact the city has every form of communication ever invented leaves your chance of going undetected as nil : "Yes officer we saw a moron with a piano swing by 15 minutes ago.."

Can you imagine Dufus ..forget Spider-man trying to swing around the big house? "Yes I used to ..clunk..break into...clunk...apartm....clunk...man am I tingling..."

Picture Bubba his cellmate : "That aint no tingling genius, thats abrasions and lacerations which have gone into spasm! You gonna DIEEE!!!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: New York, Fire

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