Lindsay Lohan's Lesbian Eatery Sold To Ellen DeGeneres

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Saturday, 25 July 2009


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Portia (L) and Ellen DeGeneres (R) new owners of Lindsay Lohan's Lesbian Eatery.

MALIBU BEACH, California - Lindsay Lohan owner of the Malibu Beach restaurant Lindsay Lohan's Lesbian Eatery has sold it to TV host Ellen DeGeneres and her spouse Portia.

The sale price was not revealed, but long time DeGeneres friend and business partner Melissa Etheridge says that she believes the price was $3.9 million.

Although DeGeneres is part owner of the Tri-Guy Investing Firm along with Melissa Etheridge and Rosie O'Donnell, she is purchasing The Lindsay Lohan Lesbian Eatery along with her wife Portia de Rossi.

DeGeneres stated that her and Portia recently celebrated their six month anniversary on July 16 at Lindsays' restaurant.

She said that they both fell in love with the Greek Island of Lesbos motif. Portia especially liked the huge 8 foot by 10 foot portrait which was painted by Scandinavian bisexual avant garde artist Wilhelm Langbocken-Wildersnut.

The 134-colored portrait is of two nude 25-year-old mermaids racing each other in the canals of Venice, Italy. The portrait is valued at $983,251.

Ellen said that there are so many things that she loves about the restaurant. One thing that she especially is fond of are the restaurant's dinner napkins with the pink monogrammed words "Hers and Hers."

De Rossi was thrilled that the restaurant's chief chef Francois Pierre du Ooh La la has agreed to stay on in the capacity of executive chief chef, at a substantial raise in salary and added benefits.

Mr. Du Ooh La La's house specialty is Barbecued Lobster Newburg Marinated in Tabasco Sauce. This dish was named the "World's Best Darn Dish" at last year's Lobster Newburg Festival in Antofagasta, Chile.

Ever since the restaurant first opened back on January 13, 2009 the house band has been the talently popular and two-years-drug free all-girl band Muffy and The Lipstick Chix.

DeGeneres said that they will be letting Muffy and her band go. She added that they do plan to hire Melissa Etheridge to perform with her band on Fridays and Rosie O'Donnell will do her stand up comedy routines on Saturdays.

When asked what the restaurants new name would be, Ellen replied that they had decided to keep the same name. She said that she has always loved alliteration.

Elsewhere in the news. A dentist in Pueblo, Colorado says that he has a patient who has an incredible 312 teeth. The doctor said that the man functions okay but adds that his weekly toothpaste bill is outrageous!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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