Written by Abel Rodriguez

Monday, 20 July 2009

image for A General, A Colonel, and A Major File A Lawsuit Against President Obama
President Obama standing in front of Malia and Sasha's new playhouse.

TAMPA, Florida - Three United States military officers have filed a lawsuit against President Barack Obama claiming that he does not have a birth certificate.

General Clyde Dunfrey Chitlins, along with Colonel Dunward Naysayer Grackle, and Major Stallard Funkdell Crock state that they believe that since Barack Obama is not a natural citizen that he cannot serve as the president of the United States.

The three military publicity-seekers have attained the services of the Baltimore law firm of Cutticula, Maypole, Pythagoras, Pythagoras, and Cloister.

Shawntell Cutticula, 43, said that the birth certificate lawsuit that is being brought about by the so called "Three Little Tin Soldiers" is not being done as a means to embarrass the president.

She said that it is being brought about in the interest and spirit of every one's right to a free and impartial trial in regards to The Eisenhower Flagrante Delicto Post Facto Affidavit Et Cetera E Pluribus Onum Amendment of 1955.

General Chitlins, who served with the Army's 111th Culinary Division said that he just wants to see Obama's birth certificate and prove that he was actually born in America.

When the general was asked where his birth certificate was, he turned red and said that his paternal grandmother Roberta Chitlins had misplaced it when the family moved from Mozambique to Fort Worth, Texas in December of 1950.

When Colonel Grackle was asked about his birth certificate, he replied that his dog, Wienerboy had eaten it when he was nine (when Grackle was nine not when Wienerboy was nine).

Major Crock stated when asked about his birth certificate that he has never seen it. He remarked that he knows for sure that he was born in America because his mother and father can speak fairly good English without hardly any noticeable North Korean accent whatsoever.

When President Obama was asked what he thought about the lawsuit being filed by Chitlins, Grackle, and Crock he smiled and replied that this is America and even high-ranking members of the armed forces have the right to file frivolous, fickle, flippant, and featherbrained lawsuits.

The president continued. "I will say that these men have been entrusted by their commander-in-chief, and that be me, to fight a war. And the way I see it, it sure does appear that from where I am standing that General Chitlins, Colonel Grackle, and Major Crock all seem to have just a little bit too much free time on their hands.

So effective midnight tonight, Sergeant Chitlins, Corporal Grackle, and Private Crock will be transferred to Arctic duty at Fort Frostbite up in the North Pole, where the temperature right about now I hear is 97 below zero, with a windchill factor of minus 109.

So to these three smart alec soldiers, I say sincerely, "Bon Voyage you publicity-seeking, attention-starved ho's."

The president was smiling from ear-to-ear as he said that he was personally going to instruct the Internal Revenue Service to go over each one of their 2008 tax returns with a son-of-a-bitchin' fine tooth comb.

He stressed that if the IRS finds that any of these three fellas underpaid the United States Government that he will have them immediately arrested and incarcerated at the Yazoo City Federal Correctional Institution in Yazoo City, Mississippi.

The president paused, took a drink of his A&W Root Beer and added, "And that is what the hell I'm talkin' about. So any of you other big-mouthed bastards out there, you punk boys best pay attention.

Because if you think that you want to play hardball then you just keep on messin' with the brother and I swear that Brobama will see to it that you get your smart-ass, ass barbecued real pronto.

So to Sergeant Chitlins, Corporal Grackle, and Private Crock let me just say this. Y'all have a nice day now hear? And be sure and give your beautiful faithful wives a nice goodbye kiss."

SIDENOTE: Corporal Grackle apparently emailed President Obama and told him that he was really and truly sorry and that he was removing his name from the lawsuit immediately. The president emailed him back and told him, "In the immortal words of Carole King, it's too late shithead...pack your frickin' bags."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Barack Obama




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