IOUs not working; Schwarzenegger auctions off California to pay her creditors

Funny story written by Robert W. Armijo

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

image for IOUs not working; Schwarzenegger auctions off California to pay her creditors
Californication falls victim to its own success as Gov. Schwarzenegger puts her up on the auction block

Sacramento, California - Sitting on a lawn chair outside in the shadow of the rotunda of the State Capitol of California in Sacramento in the front row with his auction paddle at the ready, President Barack Obama took his seat with other dignitaries representing governments from around the world there to place a bid on the state's assets up for sales. All quieted down as the Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, took the stage.

"Good morning everyone," says Schwarzenegger as he nervously kept trying to adjusted a tie that was not there as he was wearing a Beach Boys t-shirt and sandals. "Welcome to California. Good to see so many of you have showed up here today on such short notice for this short sale. I was a little worried the word didn't get out in time. In fact, I turned to Marie, that's my wife, last night in bed and told her how worried I was about to today..."

As Schwarzenegger's antipodal speech wore on, members of the audience became impatient fidgeting in their chairs, others looked on into blank space or their watches every few minutes, while President Obama just sat there keeping his cool.

"Well, I've said too much," acknowledged the governor. "Let's get on with the bidding, shall we?"

Schwarzenegger then turned an enlarged aerial photograph of the Sacramento Valley that his staff brought up to the stage as he adjusted a microphone that draped over his neck attached to a brace, allowing him to use both of his hands while he spoke.

"Now this first piece of property is a fixer upper," said Schwarzenegger as he began the auctioning process. "I was meaning to get around to installing new levees myself, but I never got around to it. You know how it is with the wife and the kids and State Senate blocking your proposals at the time, making it harder than it should be to govern. But anyways, I digress. The Sacramento Valley a good place to start for any developing country that needs a reliable renewable food source, condo development or strip mall. And it comes with its very own labor force to work the land. They practically work for nothing and never complain too. Well maybe because they aren't allowed to vote. Good people too. They like to work with their hands a lot."

Schwarzenegger than covered the microphone hanging from his neck with one hand as he gestured for an aide to come on stage with the other. After whispering into each other's ears for a moment, Schwarzenegger uncovered the microphone again.

"Okay, enough small talk," said an excited Schwarzenegger clapping his hands. "Let's get this party started. Do I hear 100 million dollars?"

President Obama coolly turned up his auction paddle from the front row with just a flick of his wrist.

"I like how you do that Mr. President," comment Schwarzenegger bending down to reach out and shake the president's hand. "Very cool. You'll have to teach me that later when you come over for dinner tonight. You must come. Tonight is leftovers night. Or is it peanut butter and jelly sandwiches night? I forget, but it's all-good. Maria is a wonderful little cook. You should taste her S'mores. They're so small, but so soft and juicy, they melt right in your hand. Well at least in mine they do."

Suddenly the cordial conversation was interrupted with a higher bid from a Saudi Prince seated right behind Obama.

"Excuse me Mr. President, I'll be back. I have a State to liquidate," said a sobering Schwarzenegger as he turned on the charm for the Saudi Prince, inviting him over of dinner and telling him the very same story about Maria's S'mores melting in his hands.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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