Homosexual Activity Killing Business at Adam Lambert's Taco Stand

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

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Bistek Mariposa: If you can find a gayer taco... Never mind. You CAN'T find a gayer taco.

SAN DIEGO, CA - Adam Lambert had a good thing going until a gay couple started frequenting Bistek Mariposa; now he can't turn a profit anymore, said the beleaguered America's Got Idols near-miss and one-man tabloid fodder generator.

"That's so nasty!! I really wish those guys would take it somewhere else," complained the star, who indicated he's "not a big fan" of public displays of affection.

Lambert said Bistek Mariposa used to be known for his award-winning carnitas; now, it's better known for the media circus out front.

Ever since the affectionate hombres began frequenting his taco stand, explained Lambert, the place has become a haven for thousands of curious spectators, camera crews and photographers who "almost never buy anything."

Instead, they block his doorway, crowding around the couple, struggling to get a closer look at one man putting his tongue in the mouth of another; for many, it's their first time to witness the spectacle, not often seen and rarely filmed.

"That's just disgusting!" gasped one onlooker as he stared at the groping couple for several minutes, only snapping out of it when the paper cup he had just been holding hit the ground, splattering him and several others nearby. Jarred back into reality, he quickly reached for his camera phone.

"I came to get two tacos with tongue," said another man who left hurriedly without his "Lengua Especial del Dia" despite having already paid. "I certainly did not come to see a taco-less twosome tonguing."

"It's like they've never seen anything like this before!" exclaimed an exasperated Lambert, straining to see over the swelling crowd. "I mean, it's like hello people, the San Diego Zoo is just a 15-minute drive from here, if you start right away!! Lion Country Safari isn't much further! Hint, hint! I mean, I really just don't get it."

Some pointed out that, as a gay man, Lambert will probably never understand the straight man's curiosity about homosexuality.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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