MANASSAS, Virgina - The FBI acting on direct orders from the president of the United States has totally shut down the main office of the PETA organization located in Manassas, Virginia.
The Vice-Director of the FBI Dalton Watchmaker reported that the closing operation was achieved in less than 12 minutes. He did report that there was one isolated incident where one of the PETA receptionists refused to leave her desk.
Watchmaker said that one of his agents had to taser the stubborn as hell receptionist identified through dental records as one Miss Audrey Piddlepill.
Piddlepill is currently in Washington, D.C.'s Mrs. Millard Fillmore Hospital where she is recovering from first degree tasering that singed both her eyebrows, her nose hair, and about 80 percent of her pubic hair as well.
Doctor's worked for three hours carefully removing her clothes which had basically become stapled to her body.
They said that the removal of Piddlepill's string bikini thong panties was especially difficult because of the fact that the tasering process caused the thong to lodge up inside of her gluteus crackabuttilitus.
Doctor Bernard Backwater who performed the string bikini thongelectomy said that on top of the above mentioned items Piddlepill also had a semi-fried left tonsil, a slightly simmered right earlobe, and nine semi-barbecued toenails.
Dr. Backwater said that Miss Piddlepill will be fine and should be released in about nine days.
He did add that he was able to convince the FBI agent-in-charge Preston Bellagamba, who is guarding her, to kindly remove the handcuffs so that Piddlepill could perform the necessary douching process on herself.
In world news. An Eskimo man believed to be around 93-years-old was found wandering around the southern part of the North Pole dressed in nothing but boxer shorts, a Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young T-Shirt, and Nike Zoom Kobe IV iD Basketball Shoes.
The temperature was 18 below with a wind chill factor of minus 31. When asked how he felt the Eskimo gentleman replied, "Brrrrrrrrrrrrr I'mmmmmmm onnnnnnne cooooooold sonnnnnnn offfffff aaaaaaa bbbbbbbitch."