At the weekly White House press conference, President Barack Obama, flanked by Michelle and Oprah, elaborated further on his search for an "empathetic" Supreme Court Justice to replace retiring David Soutar.
"I want a Justice who identifies with the joys and pains, the highs and lows of every American regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation" declared the President.
When asked by a correspondent whether empathy supercedes integrity and competency in his selection process, Obama whined, "Integrity and competency were never major factors with other Presidents. Why should they be important issues now?"
He then reached into the inside pocket of his Vera Wang, double-breasted suede jacket and pulled out a piece of paper, stating that on that paper were key questions that a candidate must satisfactorily answer before getting to the second round. Unfolding the paper, Mr. Obama read, "One, Have you ever fried ants concentrating the sun's rays with a magnifying lens? Two, Have you ever invited the ugliest person in school to be your date for the prom and not show up? Three, Have you ever asked the dumbest kid in your class to get you a left-handed broom? Four, Would you ever waterboard Jeffrey Dahmer if you knew he had your loved one marinating in soy sauce and lemon for Sunday supper?"
Then the President looked up at the press corps and stated, "Anyone who can answer 'No' to each of these questions is the Hispanic, handicapped lesbian for me and for this country."
