VAIL, Colorado - New York Yankees Super Star Alex Rodriguez is in the beautiful state of Colorado recovering from recent hip surgery.
And while in Colorado, he has decided to take some photographs, which 100 percent of the people who visit the state do.
So did Mr. A-Rod take pictures of the beautiful ski resort village of Vail? No. Did he take photos of the amazingly majestic Rocky Mountains? No.
How about the unbelievable Royal Gorge?...the Continental Divide...the chapel at The Air Force Academy located in Colorado Springs? No, no and no.
Well did he take any photos of the fantastic expanse of tall pine trees reaching for the blue Colorado sky about which George Straight and John Denver have crooned about?
Nope.
All the photos that A-Rod took are (all) of himself. Every single shot is of the Yankee slugger. The maid who cleans his room, Coquette Amalfitano, said that he told her that he snapped a total of 1,382 photos and all of himself.
Coquette went on to say that she had a nice chat with A-Rod and he told her that he was just bored. He said that he is trying to get over his divorce, his steroid problem, his batting slump, his fielding slump, his slump slump, and Madonna.
She asked him how Madonna was doing and he said that she is fine. He stated that she was in England rehearsing for her upcoming summer tour entitled "Madonna - Like A Virgin, A Damn Long, Long Time Ago."
A-Rod confided to her that he cannot believe that he was actually involved with a woman who is 17 years older than him (A-Rod is 33, Madonna is 50).
He did say that it is definitely over between them and that he thinks that Donita is now dating some Brazilian model who is 17 or 18. He did say that he had no idea that she had so many tattoos.
Coquette asked him to tell her about them. A-Rod blushed and said that they were personal and that most were located in very private and intimate parts of her body.
Coquette asked, "You mean like on her butt, her puppies, and her Hooha?"
And A-Rod replied, "A ha."
He said that he did not want to tell her because he was afraid that she would reveal it to the media. Coquette told him that she did not know anyone in the media and she convinced him to reveal at least one of Madonna's 'secret tattoos.'
A-Rod told her that last November 27, they were vacationing in Edna, Texas and they went into the local tattoo parlor, Rico & Rita's Tattoos-To-Go and Madonna picked out a design of a Louisville Slugger baseball bat identical to the one that A-Rod uses.
She told Rico that she wanted him to tattoo it across the entire length of her bikini line. It took him three hours and 45 minutes but he finished the job and Madonna was very pleased.
A-Rod said that the tattoo looked very real and he swore that he could almost smell the pine tar.
Madonna blushed and said that she had recently eaten a chef salad with broccoli, asparagus, and pine bits. And that she was sorry because she had accidentally fired off a silent one.
A-Rod looking puzzled, asked, "What the hell's a silent one?"
And Madonna, now looking as pink as a pink carnation replied, "You know dimples, a silent one...it begins with an F and ends with a T."
"Foot?"
"No!"
"Feet?"
"No!!?"
Just then Rico who was literally laughing his butt off by now (pun intended), bent over and whispered in A-Rod's ear.
"Oh!!! Okay, I should have known. Yes...knowing you as good as I do Donita, I should have figured that you would find a way to interject your low-class obligatory flatulence word and act into our nice, pleasant outing."
"Low-class?"
"That's right!"
"Hey, Mr. Baseball super star...why don't you kiss my low-class a*s?"
"Are you crazy? As we speak I'm busily looking for a 'Property Condemned' sign to stick on your ever-expanding butt"
A-Rod told Coquette that just as he finished saying the word butt, Rico's wife Rita walked in with a 'Run It Through The Garden Pizza' but minus pine bits.
Alex then told Coquette that he hated the fact that everytime that Madonna would go over to his house that she was always singing some of her 'girl' songs like "Material Girl," "Who's That Girl," "Bad Girl," and "What It Feels Like For A Girl."
He said that he didn't mind it when she sang "La Isla Bonita" because it reminded him of his and his ex-wife's honeymoon in Bali.
A-Rod asked Coquete which of all of the 1,382 photographs that he took of himself did she like the best. She replied that she liked the one where he was kissing himself (in the mirror).
He took it, autographed it, and he gave it to her. She thanked him and told him to get ready for the onslaught of remarks, comments, questions, and criticism that the photos are going to generate once they get out.
Coquette then commented, that she could just imagine what Derek (Jeter) is going to say when he sees them.
A-Rod just smiled.
Coquette laughed and said, "Okay, thanks for the talk, the autographed baseball, the autographed baseball bat, and the autographed photo of you autographing Madonna's left mammary gland."
In a related story. Madonna recently told Anderson Cooper that the opening act on her "Madonna Like A Virgin - A Damn Long, Long Time Ago" tour will be none other than the teardrop shedding Puerto Rican prima donna herself Tatiana Del Toro.
