Washington, D.C. - Going against the advice of all his campaign managers, Barack Obama announced today that he is legally changing his middle name in order to pick up more votes.
Obama based his decision on polls that showed that his middle name is what voters objected most about him, more than his association with Bill Ayers a former radical and domestic terrorist, all because his middle name reminds them of the former dictator of Iraq, Saddam Hussein.
"If he [Obama] would merely changed his middle name to something else, anything else, he would have my vote," said Byrne O'Reilly, a registered democrat. "But as it is now, his name sounds a little too ethnic for my taste."
"Obama's middle name Hussein bothers me the most," said Kathleen Johnson, an independent and undecided voter. "Because it reminds me of Saddam Hussein, the mastermind behind the 911 attacks."
"Obama could raise his numbers in the polls by at least five points and that is allowing for the margin of error," said an Obama campaign manager "However, it would be at the risk of appearing wishy-washy in the eyes of the uneducated electorate, which is just about everyone out there now days."
According to family and friends, Obama has been considering changing his middle name that his mother gave him ever since he was a child, having received Saddam Hussein's mail order catalogues and magazines like 'Victoria's Secret', The National Review' and 'Mad Magazine' by mistake.
"People think his father named him," said a close family friend to the Obamas. "That's only the half truth of it. Both his father and mother did according to their family tradition."
Following family tradition, Obama's father gave him his first and last name from his side of the family, while his mother gave him his middle name from her side.
"All this time people have assumed that Obama's middle name is that of his grandfather on his father's side of the family but that is also untrue," said a friend of the family. "Obama's middle name Hussein is that of his White grandfathers middle name. The one that fought in World War II under General Patton."
"So you can see the reason for his reluctance and the personal pain Obama had to undergo in the final decision to change his middle name, given his close relationship with his war hero White grandfather," said an Obama political advisor. "It is a shame that in this day and age in this melting pot that is America that a candidate running for president has to change his middle name simply because it just so happens to associates him in their small minds with terrorism. I just hope Obama's White grandfather, Adolph Hussein Mussolini, is wearing earplugs up there in Heaven."
In a prepared statement released to the media Obama commented on his decision to legally change his middle name:
It was a painful decision. One that I thought long and hard on but I finally decided to change my middle name. Not to merely appease the irrational fears eight years of the Bush administration has built up of my fellow Americans but because this point and time in America is too important to let anyone's personal feelings, especially mine as your future president, come into play here. Therefore, I have petitioned the great judicial system of Illinois to change my middle name, and they have been so kind to oblige me.
Effective immediately from here on end my middle name is no longer Hussein but is now Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. That's right. You heard it here first. My new full legal name is from this day forward: Barack Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Obama. Now, I hope that this will set aside America's warmongering fears that I am a known terrorist or that I willing affiliate myself with them; although, inexpiably, they do seem to use my living room as their hangout, helping me plan my campaign from time to time. I thank you.
-- Barack Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Obama