Ann Coulter Banned For Life From Churchill Downs ; Chaos Erupts Over Confusion About New Rules

Funny story written by Daniel Williams

Friday, 9 January 2009

image for Ann Coulter Banned For Life From Churchill Downs ; Chaos Erupts Over Confusion About New Rules
"No comment, I'm a little hoarse today"

In a press release, Churchill Downs General Manager James D. Gates Jr. announced Monday that Ann Coulter has been barred from the track for life. Controversy erupted in recent weeks when panicked track patrons complained that a horse was let loose in the stands. Upon review of these grievances, ushers found that conservative pundit and "author" Ann Coulter had made a surprise visit to the track.

When officials approached Ms. Coulter, she was reportedly verbally abusive, and violence nearly errupted. As an anonymous employee at the track reports, "She was really irate. I've never seen anyone that upset. My manager told me to keep my distance, and definitely not walk behind her as I might get kicked."

Upon review by senior officials at the track, a consensus was reached that Ms. Coulter must be banned from the track, citing guest safety and Coulter's propensity to distract racing Stallions that see the "author" and try to scale the track walls.

A written policy was issued to all staff including a picture of Ms. Coulter, which caused further confusion as inspectors tried to disqualify several horses having misidentified them as Ms. Coulter. One exchange got quite heated as the racer argued with the official. He was heard to have said "It's not her. Look, he's got a huge dick!" to which the official replied "That doesn't prove anything."

Multiple attempts were made to obtain a comment from the "author", finally being successful when she received a notarized statement proclaiming this author has no links to The New York Times or other members of the elite liberal media.

We now give the pundit the final word "I am not really surprised considering the owner is a well known liberal and child molester. And oh yeah-Matt Lauer is a faggot."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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