Clinton Whitemails Obama; Power-Sharing Agreement Revealed!

Funny story written by Helena Handbasket

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

image for Clinton Whitemails Obama; Power-Sharing Agreement Revealed!
Clinton kept Michelle Obama confined for 54 minutes until Obama had signed her husband's soul away.

YTRE FRØNNINGEN SOGN OG FJORDANE, NORWAY, EU-- Unique CFR-brokered Clinton-Obama power-sharing agreements in May 2008 secretly guaranteed President-Elect Clinton the Middle American presidency after giving Obama a turn, it has been revealed.

The Council on Foreign Relations electoral plan for the 2009-2014 cycle, as then-finalized by the two ruling families, also anticipated the helicopter bailouts of American Insurance and American Motors, ongoing ObamaGate crises and the 6/66 terror attacks of 2009. (The agreement and conversation were intercepted by the eminently reliable Norwegian-Kenyan blogger Kipterer Korir Arap, chief editor of African Press International, also known as "Sammy".)

The president-elect, Hillary Rotten "Nutcracker" Clinton, obtained First-Lady-Elect-Presumptive Michelle Obama's agreement, in a secretly taped 54-minute conversation, on a carefully crafted "Obama Omerta" plan, which has to date succeeded in the following objectives:

  • Plausible deniability
  • Immunity for all Obama crimes
  • Ongoing immunity for all new Clinton crimes
  • Whipsaw protection of each family from the other family's crimes
  • Ongoing CFR destruction of Middle American sovereignty

The cornerstone proposal, which Clinton sardonically called the "Ladies First" agreement, was Clinton's unstinting endorsement, indefinitely or "as long as he lasts", of then-candidate, now-resigned-senator, Acting-President-Elect-Presumptive Barack Hussein Obama (currently unemployed); in exchange, Clinton received numerous concessions, such as possession of Obama's eternal soul. (Korir worked tirelessly to obtain the CFR agreement text after accidentally hearing the May wireless-phone conversation, which was fortuitously randomly intercepted in transit by his laptop's auto-record function while he was on an important Oslo-New-York flight.)

Reportedly, Obama called Clinton in May in desperation and frustration, asking for advice about her husband's stress-related facial and other twitching: Obama's fears apparently stemmed from risk of exposure for such trivialities as murder, theft, forgery, high crimes and misdemeanours, and lying to the IRS. Alluding to an unknown earlier conversation, Clinton quickly countered that her terms had not changed and she would only accept a full admission of Obama's defeat and surrender to her own superior magical skills; upon this, Obama replied, "Yes, I know, Uncle," pronouncing the final word with a queer emphasis. Clinton immediately proceeded to dictate numerous demands, which have been identified as coming from the CFR's Omerta plan, starting with, "You will now and henceforth address me as 'Madam President-Elect'". (The Spoof is relying upon an authenticated transcript of the call, but has not obtained the CFR agreement itself, which Korir is keeping safe in a vault in London.)

Obama's goal was clearly to obtain Clinton's promise to endorse Obama's husband, and not to interfere directly or indirectly with his attaining the USNA presidency, nor with his defending himself against any indictment or impeachment proceedings; she also stated a desire to ensure a plenary pardon for her husband's crimes when Clinton inevitably ascended to the presidency for which she had been anointed. Though she often protested vehemently during the call, she was forced to accept Clinton's terms as stated with only cosmetic adjustment. In exchange, Clinton obtained complete "pwnage" over the Obama identity, unequivocally ending the "uppity" phase of Former Senator Obama's career. Obama was able to deliver the demanded pwnage of her husband because she has had power of attorney over him for many years for citizenship reasons. ("Pwnage" was spelled to us by Korir while reading us the authenticated transcript, which is not in our possession; but we were able to verify the quotation by his graciously allowing us to listen to the Michelle Obama tape itself.)

The "elephant in the room" during the call was a shared conviction by both politicians that Obama's presidency would be jeopardized by his documented former behavior (such as doing drugs) and/or documented lack thereof (such as being born). Obama expressed the explicit concern that her husband's manufactured past would catch up with him and he might be exposed as a nonentity. The solution was to let the free political market determine when the Obamas' retirement would come, without interference by the Clintons, thus allowing Mr. Obama a sporting chance at as much of the presidency as he could grab-- a rare display of CFR liberals agreeing on the necessity of a free-market solution. At this point, Clinton would be permitted to step in as President (or as Acting President under a decoy such as Johnny "John" Edwards or Joe "Joseph" Biden), neatly allowing Clinton to pardon Mr. Obama, in one swell foop, for all bad behavior, whether the NSA was aware of it or not.

(Now that you mention it, we only got to hear a couple of minutes of Michelle ranting, and it didn't sound like her at all, and we didn't hear any Shrillery either. But we and Korir have verified the recording with two forensic audiologists, and it will soon air on CBC, he promises.)

The following strategic goals of Obama Omerta thus allowed the two warring families to achieve a lasting state of peace, so aptly described by Ambrose Bierce as "a period of cheating in between two periods of fighting". First, the Obamas may continue cheating in any way they see fit, without help or hindrance from the Clintons, knowing they will be bailed out by Clinton later. Second, the Clintons may continue cheating as they have become accustomed under the Cheney Administration, without help or hindrance from the Obamas, knowing they may be bailed out by Obama if necessary and can take care of themselves after he departs. Third, Obama's eventual downfall will be blamed on third parties not traceable to any politicians (other than Ron Paul), because it will bubble up out of the free marketplace of ideas only when ripe. Fourth, the infighting between both families would cease, thus freeing up almost half of their resources for avocational activities like world conquest and global domination.

(Actually, the forensics are safe in a vault in Ytre Frønningen under the watchful eye of Korir. No, we haven't seen them, but he posted snippets of them on his blog.)

One of the most demonstrable side effects of the CFR-sculpted contract is the greenlighting of corporate bailoutism, now offered to any and all Middle American trades or businesses that find themselves underwater, as engineered in recent months by helicopter pilot Ben Bernanke. Also, Obama bound her husband to limit his associations to choices from Clinton's Cabinet. (Due to a misunderstanding, Mr. Obama has also limited his clothing to choices from Clinton's cabinet.) Further, planning of the terror attacks of spring 2009 is still continuing fully on schedule; a plurality of CFR members still favors an electromagnetic pulse (EMP) bomb, blamed on Iran.

(Yes, we know his blog was shut down for three days, but it's back up now.)

It is unclear what outcome the Omerta will have upon Mr. Obama's recent brush with Scotus, the nine-headed beast of Washington, which was recently denied its demand of a death certificate from him, showing that his grandmother did in fact die of natural causes in Hawaii, amid allegations to the contrary. When its ravaging appetite is denied, Scotus has been known to breathe fire and consume the careers of its victims, and Obama may be in third-party trouble even before he is "installed" as president. Scotus watchers suspect that before the country elects its 44th president on 15 Dec 08, the black beast will hold all 538 voters hostage until they promise to vote for "Anybody But Obama". In that case, the 44th president is still expected to pardon Obama, just as she promised.

(That is, he says the blog is back up now. He swears to God.)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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