Scientific studies reveal that liberal and conservative tendencies are hard wired in subjects.

Funny story written by Gulo_Gulo

Monday, 29 September 2008

image for Scientific studies reveal that liberal and conservative tendencies are hard wired in subjects.
Conservatives have a neural pathway from the heart to the brain, with liberals it's the foot.

Scientific analysis of studies of prominent political figures conducted over twenty years representing liberal and conservative philosophies and coincidentally Democrat and Republican tendencies.

Obvious genetic, physical and intellectual characteristics as well as neurological pathways were excruciatingly scrutinized by scientists who are now, for the first time releasing their findings.

Skeptics of the timing of the release of the study's findings accuse the study over seer, Benedict McCain, a half brother to John McCain, of playing politics with science. On the other hand, the Wall Street Journal points out genealogical studies of Benedict McCain indicate that his mother was also married to Patrick McBiden, from whom Joe Biden is descended.

When confronted with the issue Benedict McCain would only say that he pulled himself up from his boot straps himself, from the poverty days when he grew up in a shack in Kenya living on just a dollar a day, and no relatives of his reached out a helping hand, so why should he be doing so for them at this time!

McCain and Obama could not be reached for comment but when Joe Biden heard we were trying to reach the candidates, he contacted this reporter and although I told him I was only interested in speaking to Barrack Obama he kept me on the phone for one hour and faxed me a lengthy statement pertaining to his and the candidates' relation to the study.

Due to the length of his statement and phone conversation and lack of any pertinence to anything, I have elected not to include any of it, although I did promise Joe, I mean he made me promise so I could get off the phone, to mention him in the article (more than once) which I have done, but I am not about to include the stories he shared with me about 1929 and FDR.

In summation of the study, scientists used two anonymous study subjects as examples of the overall results, which were consistent throughout but because of the exhaustive scientific analysis of all aspects of the study it is impossible to go more deeply into the analysis than that. Scientist offer that all the results support the observations of just these two subjects as models.

Study analysis showed from objective observations by scientists over a twenty year period, these 6 greatest differences between conservative and liberal subjects.

The first was a well known conservative who has been a public figure in that arena for 20 years.

  1. Subject had core convictions from which he never veered.
  2. Where compromise was concerned, he never subjected his core convictions to compromise for any reason.
  3. Subject was observed to have deep insights into and understanding of political issues, motives, and responsibilities.
  4. Subject was uncannily (compared to the liberal subject) accurate in stating the known facts of any subject (97 percent accuracy) and quick to apologize and retract misstatements or inaccuracies publicly.
  5. Subject made his living by answering questions and was always direct and painstakingly frank in doing so.
  6. Subject was seldom self aggrandizing unless it was in a showmanship way to make a point, quick to practice and commend humility in another.

The second subject of the study also well known, a self proclaimed "liberal and proud of it".

  1. Subject had some core values, for a time, which changed from time to time, strangely correlating to various elections he participated in at different levels of government, so much so that it is our conclusion in the end that he really had no core convictions he would not change for the prospect of favor or political, or monetary gain or expediency.
  2. Subject was willing to compromise on anything as long as there was something in it for him, his contributors or his party.
  3. Subject never apologized for anything with the exception of statements he made where he deemed someone may have mistakenly interpreted his statement to be offensive and then he apologized that he said something that could be misinterpreted as offensive.
  4. Subject will make comments that are factually inaccurate if they sound good, aggrandize himself or allies, degrade his opposition or promote his agenda, especially if there is the smallest grain of truth found in the comment to give it an appearance of believability.
  5. Subject, when asked a question almost always would change the subject and avoid answering direct questions to the extent that when he was done it was hard to even recall what the original question was. He could take so much time to answer a yes or no question that he would have to be stopped before he could finish and you still wouldn't know the answer to the question asked.
  6. Subject displayed an elitist attitude at all times, apparently not aware of concepts like condescension or humility although enthusiastically practicing the former but not the latter.

Given these five traits found in all the conservatives and liberals in the 20 year study, world renown scientists including medical doctors, psychiatrists, geneticists, neurologists and various expert researchers in the fields of nutrition, chemistry, and mathematics came to the following conclusions.

The Brains of conservatives are hard wired differently than the brains of liberals. The nervous system of conservatives includes a newly discovered neural pathway, a nerve that carries all higher thought patterns to the heart, and back to the areas of the brain that control reading, writing, and reasoning.

Yes, this neural path is easily detected in the brains and bodies of conservatives, but non existent in the anatomy of liberals, although the brain in liberals does show remnants of the beginning of this nerve, as if it were a vestigial pathway in the evolution of man.

Further research in humans too young to have developed into a conservative or liberal showed this neural pathway present, but thin and underdeveloped in all cases which lead researchers to conclude that all people have it but it may atrophy in those who do not develop conservative behaviors. It is still not clear whether or not it is the cause or effect of the conservatism.

Studies were planned in identical twins but researchers have yet to find a pair of identical twins that aren't both liberal or both conservative. In the only cases where a hetero philosophic identical twin pair could be found, the conservative twin was deceased.

So for now the consensus is that liberalism most likely is hazardous to your health in the sense that in liberals there is a disconnect between the brain and the heart. In assessing this discovery scientists decided to investigate other organs of the body for vestigial neural pathways.

Using new technology and to their amazement they found that the area of the brain in liberals that controls speech and what comes out of their mouths was found to have an unconventional neural pathway. Yes, believe it or not signals carrying speech to the mouth from the brain are often directed to the foot at the same time as the mouth.

Scientists said, although the outcome from such an occurrence was obvious, they are at odds with finding a reason why that happens in liberals.

In my next article we will explore a scary, recently published study revealing the mechanism of mutation in two related viruses, feminism and fascism that produces the dreaded contagion "feminazi"! If that doesn't scare you nazin will.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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