Bush plans on financing bailout by selling Oregon, Vermont

Funny story written by Chief Cheese

Monday, 29 September 2008

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Bush explains away Oregon

Washington President Bush today managed to grab for himself part of the media attention surrounding the tentative bi-partisan agreement on the so-called bailout plan by explaining to the gathered Washington press corps just how he intends to finance it all.

Bush, who will join the ranks of the unemployed come January 20th of next year, elbowed his way to the podium just after Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi had finished with her remarks.

"I want to thank Margaret," said the lame-duck Bush, referring the speaker, "for having such a 'get her done' attitude over this weekend. I think she was helped out by the fact that most of these Congressmen want to see Washington beat the Cowboys this afternoon. All the I's had to be crossed and T's dotted early on so we could all get the game in. But anyway, I digress.

"$700 Billion sounds like a lot of money, and it is in my opinion. We need to re-assure foreign markets and investors that we don't plan to simply print more money over the weekends and such. There will be no overtime hours for printing plant employees as part of this bailout plan.

"As painful as it may seem to some Americans, some sacrifices will need to be made, by some other Americans, so that this plan will have a chance of working, so that our economy can continue to grow, and create jobs.

"For this reason my Administration is putting forth the plan to sell several states of the union, to foreign interests abroad, for amounts that will hopefully effectively cover costs of the bailout plan.

"The first state to be offered up for sale will be Oregon. I personally have never been there, and aside from the fact that I'm not really sure where it is, neither I nor other members of this Administration can think of a single redeeming quality that it has. It's my understanding that politically speaking, it's democratic. However that doesn't enter the picture; it's not part of my reasoning here. Sacrifices need to be made, and that's one. I think it's likely that China, with its up and coming middle class consumers, will probably jump at the chance to scoop up this valuable real estate.

"Another state that we plan on putting on the market right away is Vermont. Again, never been there, and I think it borders New York and maybe New Hampshire. I mean, I've been to New Hampshire, and I know where that is; but Vermont is a little too 'out in the woods' for me even. As I said, some sacrifices will need to be made. I'm thinking the Dutch, and maybe some other northern Europeans, will be very interested.

"OK-one more here. You'll probably see this as a little obscure, but stay with me here. Idaho. Yes, Idaho. It borders Canada, and I see it being called 'South British Columbia' easily enough. We're keeping that one in our back pocket, so to speak, in case the other two states don't work out or don't bring in enough."

With that, the member of the press who had not already left turned to go. "Oh one more thing," said Bush. "If any of you hear of anything, let me know, would you? I've got my resume out there but I'm just not getting much feedback or interest either way. Thanks guys."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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