Paul Newman Dies, Saves the World from Economic Collapse

Funny story written by David David

Sunday, 28 September 2008

image for Paul Newman Dies, Saves the World from Economic Collapse
Newman's Own Sauces and Salad Dressings to Save the World

Legendary actor, philanthropist, and all-round good guy Paul Newman has died at age 83 from complications due to cancer and clogged arteries as a result of a lifetime of red meat consumption. He was well-known for his classic quip, "Why go out for hamburger when you can eat steak at home."

His wife, Joanna Woodward, affectionately nicknamed 'tenderloins' by Newman, has said, "Paul was a wonderfully romantic man. In our 50 years of marriage, there wasn't a day that went by when he didn't come home at night and demand "Where's the beef?"

Tributes have been pouring in from the cream of the crop in Washington and Hollywood. President George W. Bush has told the White House press corps, "I have been informed that we have lost another great American. I have therefore instructed my Homeland Security chief to do everything in his power to find him."

Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama issued the following statement: "When I was awoken in the middle of the night by a phone call from the Secret Service telling me a famous old white guy had died, I immediately sent my condolences to Cindy McCain. Then I bumped Michelle and went back to sleep."

John McCain, the Republican nominee took a practical approach to the loss as well. "Let's see, 83 huh? 72 plus 8 equals 80. We're good to go!" McCain's running mate, beauty queen runner-up and avid Alaskan backwoodswoman Sara Palin weighed in with her own opinions on Newman's death. "Yeah, he's that pinko left-winger with his face plastered all over the supermarket shelves. I use cans of his spaghetti sauce for target practice. Shame he's gone though. I guess now I'll have to use Ben & Jerry's ice cream."

The legendary heart throb and actor's actor was mourned by the entertainment industry as well. Elizabeth Taylor, who played opposite Newman in the critically acclaimed film, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, issued a statement from Mount Sinai Hospital where she has recently been brought back to life for the seventeenth time. "My one regret is that I never got to play opposite Paul Newman. I guess that's because he was so much younger than me."

Jay Leno, The Tonight Show host reminisced about his friend and frequent guest. "Old Blue Eyes sure could sing. Too bad he got mixed up with the mob when he started that spaghetti sauce business. Kevin, was that Newman or am I mixing him up with that other guy?"

Rap star Busta Rhymes candidly reported, "Paul Newman, I hear 'n da hood he was a methadone actor. I don't do drugs no more. Theyz bad 4 u." Contemporary life-performance artist Paris Hilton wrote on her blog site, "I just love old movies and actors. He was great in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and my all time favourite was when he played opposite Barbra Streisand in The Way We Were. I'll never forget him."

Well known for his philanthropy work supported by Newman's Own salad dressings and sauces line, Newman's legacy is likely to have an epic impact on the world economy. The family have requested that instead of flowers, donations should be made to Newman's Own charity, Hole in the Wall Street Gang, in order to finance the $700 billion bail-out package to stave off the imminent total world economic collapse.

House of Representatives leader Nancy Pelosi emerged from a late night meeting with Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson to make the dramatic announcement. Wiping what appeared to be Newman's Own creamy Vidalia onion dressing from her chin, Pelosi told reporters, "We've done the maths and the figures add up. We need $700 billion to keep the world economy from being flushed down the toilet. There are an estimated 6.7 billion people in the world. With the average price of Newman's Own dressings and sauces at $2.80, if everyone in the world bought just 37 products of their choice, we'd save the world from global financial meltdown overnight."

Treasury Paulson weighed in with the political up-sides of the plan. Republicans love it because it's not a government bailout and is financed completely by free enterprise. Democrats love it because it is a grass roots movement and all proceeds go directly to charity. The American people love it because they love any excuse to increase impulse food buying. It's a win, win, win situation."

President Bush immediately threw White House support behind the plan. "Just yesterday I had a Tripple Decker Global Meltdown with Ranch dressing at McDonalds. It was tasty. I prefer Ranch. Laura and the girls like Poppyseed. Hell, Condoleeza Rice gargles with Creamy Italian. Dig in people and we can lick this problem by Thanksgiving. God Bless Paul Newman and God Bless America!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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