Hell Welcomes Jesse Helms

Funny story written by Schmoker

Friday, 4 July 2008

image for Hell Welcomes Jesse Helms
Jesse's welcome cermony took place outside the newly erected Ronald Reagan Theater.

(Hades) - Speaking from the crimson colored steps of the newly erected stone edifice that is Hell's Ronald Reagan Theater, Our Great Lord Lucifer at long last welcomed the newest member of his cabinet, former United States Senator Jesse Helms (Fascist, NC).

Surrounded by the many, many, many other politicians who make up his inner circle, the Prince of Lies told a burning and screaming audience that he was proud to welcome "yet another scumbag of such low character to the Dark Realm."

Fresh from the now defunct presidential campaign he managed into the ground, Hillary Clinton's lawyer, Louis Cypher, made a surprise appearance to act as spokesman for the event.

"Jesse Helms has been doing our work on Earth for nigh on a century," said Cypher, "and it's about time we paid him back in kind. I just hope I get to be one of the first demons to stick a pitchfork up his ass."

Long known above ground for his efforts to repeal progress, repress those of differing colors and creeds, and to just be in general a completely hypocritical asshole, Senator Helms appeared at the ceremony in a bright green breechclout that displayed his massive gut and skinny legs to great effect.

He also appeared to be as confused as most new arrivals normally are when they realize that they are about to be cornholed for all eternity.

"What the fuck . . ." was all Senator Helms could manage as a comment before the first lashes of the Whip of Satan began to be applied.

The Dark Lord has decreed that the normal Ceremonial Whipping Ceremony will be extended for an extra 10 years in recognition of Helms many Earthside accomplishments. All citizens of Hell not engaged in normal pain and suffering are invited to stop by and add a few strokes of the lash themselves.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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