National Cemetery Loses Grass So Golf Courses Can Stay Green

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Tuesday, 10 June 2008

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A Memorial Day activity for the modern soldier.

As drought and a severe water shortage continue in the American Southwest, residents and business are expected to make sacrifices. Lawns can only be watered certain days and during certain hours. Car washing cannot take place on the street. "Brown water" from bathtubs or washing machines is now drained into flower beds.

No sacrifice is greater, however, than that at the Fort Bliss National Cemetery in El Paso, Texas. These sacred, hallowed grounds are the final resting place of soldiers who fought for the United States in every conflict since the American Civil War. Over 10,000 members of all branches of the military have made this ever expanding cemetary their last duty station.

This corps, however, have been called on to make one final sacrifice. No longer will widows be allowed to sit quietly in the grass beside a grave marker and think of their loved one. No longer can children and grandchildren walk the green lawns and ponder the ultimate gift of these brave men. Loved ones will not have to sit by the headstones, pulling occasional weeds and manicuring the grass.

The Fort Bliss National Cemetery no longer has any grass.

It was all dug out to "xeriscape" the area due to, in the words of spokesman for Brigadier General Harry Foster, "help this area with our water rationing."

Never mind that there is currently a 27 hole military golf course in use just half a mile west of the cemetery, which uses a lot more water (and has more water loss daily due to evaporation from the lakes, ponds, and other water hazards than the cemetery would use in a week). Forget that the U.S. Army is building a second large military golf course, for officers only, just behind Biggs Army Airfield.

The men who willingly gave their all for their country, and fell at places like Iwo Jima and Pork Chop Hill, must now make another sacrifice.

These brave men will now suffer being buried in the dirt so that the modern soldier can get in nine holes before he reports for duty. Their families will sit in dirt or mud (after infrequent rains) so that officers can toss a few back at the 19th hole after hitting a bucket of balls.

Yes, the American soldier has once more given their all for their country, and the grateful soldiers serving at Fort Bliss appreciate it (as long as it does not interfere with their tee time).

(Author's Note: Even though this is a Spoof website, and all stories are fiction, this one is not. The only thing fictional here is the name of the general. The attitude of the story and facts listed above are all real.)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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