Speaking from the exclusive Qeep-yer-camels-and-boys-unda-gard Golf Course near Cairo, President George 'Fore!' Bush today announced that the problems of the Middle East will be settled by golf.
Pausing merely to duff his fairway wood shot into the heavy rough, he said: 'Yep, y'all, where am I?' And he added, 'Sure, Israel and Palatine have their troubles, sure they do, but not as bad as the trouble I had on the eighth - man, you should have seen the divots there!'
His caddy chipped in, 'The 2,000-year old conflict in Israel will be easy, try caddying for John Daly!'
Analysts in Washington have predicted that war will end in Israel, as soon as Hamas stop wearing checkered trousers and start buying golf caps, but British politicians have not been so confident.
Speaking from the 19th. hole in St. Andrews, Prime Minister Gordon Sand-dune said: 'When I spoke to Mr. Bush, he told me to keep my head down, and do nothing except grin like a monkey, and talk nonsense. Yes, it seems to work, my handicap is down to 94.'
And Opposition leader, David Camerashy, added: 'If Labour wish to take it to a sudden-death play-off, we're ready for it! What's for tea, mummy?'
But rumours that Israelis may not play fair, and may move the ball when nobody is looking, have been denied by their spokeswoman, Mrs. Unprovokedairattackoncivilians. Speaking from her onion farm near Tel Aviv, she said: 'It'll be a fair match, and if we're dormie 4, we'll just machine gun everybody else, and play on our own - though even then we'll probably lose.'
Arnold Palmer is enjoying the sun in Gaza - nobody else is.
