A man was shot at yesterday for mowing his lawn too loudly, in the Scottish backwater of Dumfries.
A spokesvestite for Dumfries and Galloway Police said: 'A 31-year old nutter of a man, deranged on jellies and Buckfast and glue, let off a Kalashnikov ZKA rifle yesterday evening, and when questioned, admitted the act'.
Speaking from his cell, a Mr. Jimmy Affhis Heid said: 'Ah'll get the wee radge when I'm oot of here, nae borra at all.' But the wife of the victim, Mrs. Ermintrude McAcne said: 'Ah'd have shot himself, he's always cutting the grass, the big fat tube, at least Ah'll get some peace on a Sunday.'
Local newspapers have recently suggested that the West of Scotland has a serious problem of unprovoked violence, but this has been denied by local M.P.s, Joe Smith and Charlie Wesson.
Passing through Dumfries in his limousine, Rangers manager Walter Smith sobbed: 'If I could get a rifle, I'd shoot my entire team.' Archie McPherson needs a haircut.