Written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 22 May 2008

image for Champions League Final The Wettest On Record
Terraces awash with rain and tears

Last night's Champions League Final at the Luzhniki Stadium in Moscow was the wettest on record, say meteorologists, who clearly have no sense of occasion. Nearly 20million buckets of rain fell - enough to ruin many picnics.

The game kicked off at 11pm local time (8.00 UK time) amid dark skies, but dry with a slight north-easterly breeze, but by halftime, rain had begun to spit, and there was worse to come after the break.

The second half of the game saw an incessant shower of pouring rain, with players' shirts, shorts and socks becoming drenched, and many of the fans were also sodden. It was a thoroughly miserable night for football.

Meteorologists at the Glasnost Weather Observatory near St Petersburg, said that the weather was not uncommon in Russia or Manchester, where it rains all the time. This, say the weather experts, is why Manchester United were able to better adapt to the conditions and, ultimately, to win the game.

Chelsea fans made matters worse when, after losing the penalty shoot-out, they wept openly, sending torrents of water running through downtown Moscow, which had to be evacuated.

John Terry, the Chelsea captain who slipped on his arse in a puddle as he was about to take the penalty that would have won the Cup for his team, said:

"F*ckin rain."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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