McCain Sees Troops Coming Home by 1945

Funny story written by Tragic Rabbit

Friday, 16 May 2008

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Home by Christmas.

Senator John McCain declared on Thursday that most American troops will be home from Europe by Christmas 1945 and that France will soon be a functioning democracy with only "spasmodic'' episodes of goose-stepping and pro-Vichy graffiti.

In a speech in the heart of Oz, Mr. McCain set forth a sweeping, extraordinarily hallucinatory vision of what the world will look like in 1948, when he says he will have been in the White House for four years.

"By January 1948, America has welcomed home the servicemen who have sacrificed terribly so that America and her Allies might be secure in their shopping freedoms,'' Mr. McCain said.

"The Second Great War has been won. France is a functioning democracy, although still suffering from the lingering effects of decades of poor hygiene and centuries of cheese. Problems still occur, but are spasmodic and generally thought related to French cuisine."

The United States, Mr. McCain added, "maintains a military presence in Japan, though a much smaller one, and servicemen remain fond of local prostitutes, whose English appears limited to phrases like 'doggie-doggie'" but assured listeners that Americans stationed there will still adamantly refuse to drink the water.

During his primary battle, Mr. McCain frequently accused Thomas E. Dewey of setting a timetable for withdrawing troops from overseas, a charge Mr. Dewey denied.

In comments to reporters after his speech, Mr. McCain insisted that his speech should not be interpreted as setting an actual date for withdrawal, and that he was simply projecting victory in Europe and Japan.

He took issue with a reporter who characterized his speech as a "magic carpet ride," saying: "I don't think it has anything to do with fantasy, I think it has everything to do with alchemy and reading tea leaves."

In his speech, Mr. McCain also prophsied that "concerted action'' by the world's democracies will have persuaded Russia to disassemble its coalition of anti-Czarist Soviet Republics and Canada to stop pretending to be the northernmost American province.

On domestic policy, Mr. McCain projected that by 1948 the United States will have experienced several years of "robust economic growth;" a reduction in the corporate tax rate; and the beginning of a phase out of the communists currently infesting Hollywood and US government on all levels.

Mr. McCain also pledged to appoint New Deal supporters to his administration, hold weekly press conferences and ignore questions when in Congress, much as the prime minister of Great Britain does in Parliament.

In a clear criticism of Winston Churchill, Mr. McCain also said that "when I make errors, I will confess them readily, take the blame and explain who I intend to fire to correct the errors.

"Look how we underestimated the Japs, for instance. I assure you that won't happen again. Not only have I imprisoned the US ambassador to Japan, in fact, fifty years in the future we will be entirely reliant on Japan for cutting-edge electronics."

The reporters responded that Mr. McCain was living in a dream world.

"The reality behind Senator McCain's new rhetoric is that his plans either ignore the problems that Americans identify or actually makes him sound like a loon," Howard Dean, the chairman of the Democratic National Committee, said in a statement shortly before Mr. McCain began his speech.

"I'd go with the latter," Dean added.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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